12 𝕯𝖆𝖞𝖘 𝖔𝖋 𝕮𝖍𝖗𝖎𝖘𝖙𝖒𝖆𝖘 ~ 𝖄𝖔𝖚𝖗 𝕼𝖚𝖊𝖘𝖙𝖎𝖔𝖓𝖘 𝕬𝖓𝖘𝖜𝖊𝖗𝖊𝖉 (𝖕𝖆𝖗𝖙 3) ❄️🎁💝💋👠💄

Hello lovelies! I hope you had an incredible New Year!!!

Tonight we continue our “12 Days of Christmas” Q&A blog post series with a question about how much a Siren communicates early in the courting phase… this Holiday Season, these answers are my gifts to you! 💝🎁💝

And as always, I welcome your feedback at TheSirenRules@gmail.com if you’re inspired to write to me directly!

𝕼𝖚𝖊𝖘𝖙𝖎𝖔𝖓 #3

 I would like to know more about how does a siren date? What are some ways she can be suggestive when she sees someone that is interested in her but it’s still very early on in the courting phase. Anything to do with early dating. How much does she communicate etc? 

~J

Hello J, thanks for your question!

I’ll go ahead and assume that when you say “suggestive” and mention communication, you mean suggestive of some interest in the man – not “suggestive” in the sexual meaning of the word. You definitely don’t want to be sending any sex signals early in the courting phase.

I can certainly understand your struggle to try to figure out when and how much interest to communicate to a man early on in dating, or perhaps, before you’ve even gotten to an official date. There’s so much conflicting advice out there, and mixed messages for women and how they should behave… so I’ll make this as clear and simple for you as I can!

As far as best practice for success, and staying true to the M/F energetic principles that have remained consistent since the dawn of time for human beings, the following things are true:

#1) It’s not your job as a woman to show sexual/romantic interest in a man. 

#2) It’s his job to show interest in you – and your role is to judge how well he’s doing in his pursuit of you. He will advance as far and as fast as you let him – and you can reject him at any time, for any reason.

#3) However, you can (and should) show “open-ness” and the willingness to receive the man’s company/presence, to any male partner you’d be willing to consider.  

#4) A woman must shine her light as broadly as possible to increase her odds of success at finding a desirable mate. Like the flower that attracts the bee with its beautiful colors and perfume, but stays perfectly still – you shine your light openly at all times (your light is all that makes you desirable as a partner, and as a woman.) Be in the habit of shining your light to everyone around, including him, at all times. 

Note that #4 should feel fun and effortless and natural for you. It is expressing who you are and what you love to the world, not to any individual guy with a clear motive and desire/neediness for him to like you. Never do anything that feels heavy or exhausting to try to “get” a man or “catch” his attention. 

What exactly “shining your light” looks like varies from woman to woman… but it’s always a unique combination of things, from the way you dress and style yourself, to your attitude, humor, wit, heart, skills, status, confidence, and whatever else makes it a delight to be in your company. Your light is what makes you unique, whether you’re a big brassy woman with a great laugh and a twisted sense of humor famous for bringing everyone homemade cupcakes – or whether you’re a sensitive artistic butterfly of a woman that delights in her award winning rose garden, and makes people feel like they’re the most important person in the world when she’s listening… a Siren is always unashamedly, authentically, radiantly herself in the world, and giving/expressing her true nature to everyone like a gift.  

Which brings us back to your question, and point #3. The only thing you need to “communicate” to a man early on, is that you’re willing to entertain his presence. That’s it. It’s up to him to do the rest – which he won’t have any trouble doing, if you are #4 shining your light and expressing your value as a woman.

When a lady who looks good, has confidence, has passions and interests that separate her from the wallpaper, expresses to a man in any way (no matter how subtle) that she wouldn’t mind having him around — if that man is single, straight, and available (and often even if he’s not!) he will be at your side in a flash, making moves, smooth talking, and strategizing to get your number. It’s in a masculine man’s nature to drive the courtship bus and aim to win the woman of his dreams, as primal and instinctual as a cat can’t help but chase a mouse. 

You should allow things to unfold naturally, and let nature’s chemistry win him over without muddying the waters with any chit-chat or nagging to the tune of “But John, I neeeeeed to know where are things going between us???” Such talk is the mood killer of all mood killers, and the death rattle in any blossoming courtship.

Since you didn’t give any context in your question beyond saying it’s early on, I won’t be able to advise for a specific situation – however, you should keep in mind that communication on the woman’s side in early courtship should be all about body language… you might be surprised that nothing else is needed. Words should only reinforce what was said through physical cues, and never, ever, ever, be “about the relationship”.

A few basic examples from a Siren’s toolkit:

• Catch his eye and smile. Then glance away. Then look back. That little dance of a woman’s gaze, has gotten more men up out of their chairs and across the room to chat up a lady than we could possibly count! 

• In a crowd of people, slowly and without giving away intention, approach the man who catches your eye. Stand just a little too close to him for being strangers, and smile if he looks at you, then look away. Make it seem unintentional that you’re just a bit inside his personal space. Be open and friendly when he strikes up a conversation, and delighted by any compliments he gives you. Trust me – men do not fail to notice when a desirable woman is willing to be so close to them… no talking (or even eye contact!) required to spark a connection this way.

• At any event with chairs for the guests, stroll over to a man you find attractive (***when he isn’t paying attention or watching you!***) then surprise him by innocently saying, “I don’t have a date – can I sit next to you?” and smile in a friendly manner. He’ll be flabbergasted at his good fortune, and bend over backwards to take care of you… you, the poor-date-less-woman-without-a-chaperone! (laugh!) For days afterwards, he’ll be thinking about how much fun it was to be a gentleman to the “lady in need”… a lovely first page in the book of any relationship.

• BONUS TIP: Masculine men (most are!) absolutely love having explicit permission to look after an attractive female without being clobbered by a purse or told that it’s sexist to open doors, drive the car, order the meal, pay for stuff, or protect her physically. It’s like giving a bored and restless Husky permission to pull a snow sled… they’re absolutely born for it.

• When a man is speaking to you, look into his eyes. Let there be a space… a gap, between when he finishes his statement, and before you respond… as if you’re just lost in his eyes and forgot your train of throught for a moment. Then catch yourself, and get back on track with a smile. That little gap works wonders to accent the deepening connection and chemistry between the two of you… let him fall into the mystery of wondering what you were thinking, without saying anything about it.

• Laugh generously at his jokes, and ask follow up questions to his stories. Express that you find him smart, brave, capable and impressive whenever the opportunity arises (it will arise in every conversation, if you have a mindset to stroke his masculine ego.) 

• Show respect for his decisions, and allow him to lead with things that don’t really matter in service of your best interests… for example, in a new neighborhood, tell him what kind of food you like and let him do the research on Google maps and/or pick the restaurant. Lean back and enjoy as he takes you on a ride and takes care of you for the night. Be explicit in telling him “I trust you” when he asks where you want to go, and “Great decision – you have excellent taste!” after the meal is a success.

• Let him drive you everywhere, or walk you everywhere, holding onto his arm. Let him know how safe you feel with him, how nice it is to have him make sure you’re not alone walking home in the dark, how much you appreciate him driving because is stresses you out… always let your words be second, as they reinforce and repeat what you have already said clearly with your body language and attitude toward him.

Those are just a few pointers for communication when building or creating a relationship from the earliest stages… and I look forward to hearing how they work for you!

Much love,

🎅❄️🎁🎄☃️🎀🍾💝💋

~Selina (the Siren-Santa 😘)

TheSirenRules@gmail.com

💛

12 𝕯𝖆𝖞𝖘 𝖔𝖋 𝕮𝖍𝖗𝖎𝖘𝖙𝖒𝖆𝖘 ~ 𝖄𝖔𝖚𝖗 𝕼𝖚𝖊𝖘𝖙𝖎𝖔𝖓𝖘 𝕬𝖓𝖘𝖜𝖊𝖗𝖊𝖉 (𝖕𝖆𝖗𝖙 2) ❄️🎁💝💋👠💄

Hello lovely ladies!

Last night we kicked off the “12 Days of Christmas” Q&A blog post series with a deep dive on self-love and confidence in spite of how anyone else treats you… you can read that article here if you missed it… and without any planning, today’s question beautifully dovetails on that theme. I resolved to answer any question that was submitted to me, in the same order they were submitted, without editing, so it is really interesting to spot the patterns and commonalities about what’s on so many women’s minds! 

This Holiday Season, these are my gifts to you! 💝🎁💝

And as always, I welcome your feedback at TheSirenRules@gmail.com if you’re inspired to write to me directly!

𝕼𝖚𝖊𝖘𝖙𝖎𝖔𝖓 #2

How do you continuously block the ‘noise’ of other people, when we live in a society when most people’s standards in relationships, and what they want out of life are low. How do we not allow this to not penetrate/influence us? I look forward to reading this, and your continuously enriching blog posts!

~J

Hello J and thank-you for the kind words! I’m so glad you’re enjoying my work and find it helpful on your journey!

I love your question, because you’re absolutely right… most people’s standards are abysmally low for life and for relationships… and we do live in a society that has certainly settled for less than the ideal. Many people expect to be more or less miserable, so that’s exactly what they create in their lives. But that alone wouldn’t have any particular effect on you, if it wasn’t for the fact that as the saying goes, “Misery loves company!”

Unfortunately, this large number of unhappy people bumping around in the world, feeling worn out, grumpy, cynical, unfulfilled, hopeless, fearful… are dumping this general negativity and personal unhappiness onto others. These are the people who will tell you that you can’t really be that happy, that marriage is “work”, that you better hurry up and find a man before it’s too late, that you’re not getting any younger, that there are no perfect relationships, that all men are pigs, that good men are hard to find, that everyone worth anything is already taken, you have to learn to settle and compromise, yada yada yada. They are compelled to tell you all of this as often as possible, because they have to justify their own unhappiness as the unavoidable “truth” of life, rather than a personal failure on their part. Seeing counterexamples to their world view in the eyes of happy, successful, and romantic couples actually annoys them!

So what can you do to protect your wellbeing and peace of mind? 

Well, in my response I’ll first give you a perspective-shifting metaphor, some coaching questions to consider, and conclude with five specific strategies you can use right away to handle this particular challenge. 

Let’s start with the metaphor…

In my coaching work, I often use the tool of turning complex emotional and energetic situations that a client is struggling with, into a physical metaphor or example to help shift perspective and discover the most sensible approach to the dilemma.

I love noticing the language clients use, and working with your own internal symbology as well. Since you described this dynamic as “noise” in your question, let’s imagine then, that you’re at home, starting your day, and you’ve got the radio on, playing a great, upbeat song that you love, which makes you want to dance. But, in the other room, you’ve also got a TV blaring, with some obnoxious political debate intercut with horrible headline news about everything awful in the world – which naturally creates a stress response in you. You can hear the sound from both at the same time from where you’re standing, and it’s confusing and annoying… what do you think you should do?

A – Sit down by the television, get depressed, and give up on the rest of your day

B – Try to “tune out” the television and dance, even though it’s ruining the music. 

C – Turn OFF the television. CLICK!

I hope you picked option C… !

As you can see by this example, the most important consideration in tuning out the noise of the world around you, is to stop trying to tune it out… and just turn it off! Don’t have the battle. Don’t swim in dirty water. That means avoiding any people, places or things that remind you of the fact that some people are miserable, have low standards, and would love nothing more than to drag you down with them into complacency. Stay out of situations that drain your precious energy and positivity.  The best way to not let them influence you, is to not be around them in the first place. Protect your peace. Turn off the noise. 

That’s the big picture perspective we begin with. But now is where the rubber must meet the road… 

Coaching Questions to Consider: 

Working together one on one, you’d probably want to know exactly how to implement “turning off the noise” – and that’s where coaching questions would come in, to get very specific and concrete about what and how and your next action steps. We would need clarity about exactly where you’re feeling drained, and who/what/where brings up this feeling of “noise” that you must struggle against, in order to come up with a plan for how to stay out of those situations, or arm yourself against it if total avoidance is impossible. 

Some things I would ask might include: 

Where do you find yourself the most drained by the “noise” you describe? Is it certain people? Magazine headlines? Things you read online? Dinner with unhappy friends? Relatives?

Tell me more about what feels like “noise” to you? 

How do you feel / recognize this “noise” in your body, or other senses? 

Can you give a recent example of experiencing the “noise”? What were the after effects? 

Then if you were open, as an exercise, I would advise you to pay close attention to when you feel like your system’s being slowly poisoned by this noise over the time between sessions… and take notes of what was going on. This gentle honoring of your internal guidance system is crucial in a society that constantly tells women that their feelings are worthless and should be suppressed and repressed at all times! In contrast, a Siren is exquisitely and perfectly attuned to her emotions and her surroundings – and like a rare, and delicate creature, she flows away from any environment that is toxic to her being. She prioritizes the survival of her spirit, and doesn’t tolerate anything that doesn’t serve her. 

And in closing, here are five specific strategies you can use when the noise gets too loud!

1. Turn off the noise

This means you have the right to excuse yourself from any conversations, relationships, or situations that don’t make you feel good. Give yourself permission to protect your peace of mind as fiercely as you would protect a child from harm. Refuse to consume any garbage media (anything that makes you feel badly about yourself, or hopeless about your future, your goals, your standards, etc) in the same way that you would refuse to consume spoiled and rotten food at a restaurant. Say “No thank-you!!” to taking that in, and send it back! That applies to so many things in our modern society – from advertising designed to trigger your anxiety, to gossip rags in the grocery store checkout line. The exact specifics we would drill down much more into depending on your unique triggers in a session, but just as examples it could be anything from ripping out ageist makeup ads from your favorite magazine, to not visiting the aunt who loves to tell you how you’re too smart for any man to love you … 

2. Go within 

Learn to meditate and practice visualization of your goals/dreams/ideals. It does wonders for emotional regulation, mental health, stress reduction and self-awareness. You can start with guided meditations on many aps or on youtube for free. There are many types of meditation you can enjoy, from mantra-based meditations to detached observing-thoughts-like-clouds meditation and loving-kindness meditation which shows how ultimately you are in control of all your feelings. The benefits of learning to go within, and having a daily meditation practice that keeps you emotionally centered and grounded no matter what life throws your way, can not be overstated. 

3. Manifest your desire

A fun favorite… when someone or something triggers one of your fears, or a yucky feeling, make it a conscious point to manifest the exact opposite, desirable quality, to some degree (the size of the effect does not matter) as quickly as possible. Speed is the goal. As before, the details would vary based on your specific triggers and situation, but if we imagine the nasty old aunt again, who tells you that no man will ever be interested in you, make a sporting game of proving that idea wrong before the day is out – and coming up with creative ways to manifest your desire (imagine for example going to a high end store where you smile and make eye contact with 20 different guys, enjoying a spur-of-the-moment social event wearing the dress you feel most sexy and confident in, flirting with a male friend before changing your mind, or posting your picture to a popular dating app and watching your inbox flood with more messages than you can answer…) It’s funny how we have the power to use negative people as fuel to push us into a better future, by getting out of complacency in our comfort zone. Incredible things have been built in the lives of many great people, just to prove someone wrong! 

4. Develop your Siren-support-system

Remember that Sirens don’t compete – great women support each other! Find your tribe of bad-ass, like-minded women, and spend as much time with them as possible. Your support system will encourage you to rise up, shine bright, achieve your potential, and settle for more. Having even one person in your life who unequivocally supports you and your dreams is priceless, and it’s one of the many reasons I love coaching… I get to be that person for the women I work with, and we are both inspired to be the best versions of ourselves. 

5. Get inspired

Speaking of inspiration… I encourage you to seek out and fill your world up with positive Siren role models who are living the life you’re working on achieving, and show you what’s possible. There are countless women around the world who have lives of true beauty, passion and purpose. There are countless women around the world, who are adored and worshiped by the men at their side. Some of them are famous… most of them are not!

Look for the Sirens in your own community. Watch them. Admire them. Befriend them if you can. Make a list of well-known women that you admire, and follow their adventures through social media or Google alerts using their names as a keyword. Whether you admire the Duchess of Cambridge, or Taylor Swift… whether you think the perfect love story is Jennifer Lopez and Ben Affleck or George and Amal Clooney, reading about these women’s lives and loves, is sure to inspire you to what is possible. Find “couples goals” examples from whatever circles are of interest to you, perhaps in your own professional field, or area of interest. Make a point of tuning your brain to noticing happily committed people wherever you go – from the elderly couple walking hand in hand at the park, to the loving dad helping mom with the baby at the grocery store. Let their happiness be your happiness, let their love be proof against the subtle fears stirred up by the nay-sayers.

After all, can you imagine if this drop-dead-gorgeous, internationally famous attorney, and iconic fashionista, listened to the petty voices that told her a 35-year-old, still-single, hard-working professional woman was destined to be a spinster…? Aren’t you glad she didn’t settle for some schmuck beneath her, and knew how to tune out the noise? 

Just read the words of praise her worshipful, gorgeous, rich and famous husband speaks of her in every interview, nearly a decade in (and two kids) into their marriage.

If that doesn’t inspire you with what’s possible for a Siren in this world, nothing will! 

Or to put it in other words – turn your face to the sunshine, and the shadows fall behind you. 

Much love,

🎅❄️🎁🎄☃️🎀🍾💝💋

~Selina (the Siren-Santa 😘)

TheSirenRules@gmail.com

💛

12 𝕯𝖆𝖞𝖘 𝖔𝖋 𝕮𝖍𝖗𝖎𝖘𝖙𝖒𝖆𝖘 ~ 𝖄𝖔𝖚𝖗 𝕼𝖚𝖊𝖘𝖙𝖎𝖔𝖓𝖘 𝕬𝖓𝖘𝖜𝖊𝖗𝖊𝖉 (𝖕𝖆𝖗𝖙 1) ❄️🎁💝💋👠💄

Hello my lovely readers!

Recently, I’ve spent some time looking back with gratitude at all the amazing women I’ve had the privilege to work with as a personal coach in their journeys through love, and life. In the spirit of giving this holiday season, I’m calling this next series of blog posts “The 12 Days of Christmas” (after the old story about giving 12 unique gifts over as many days) where I will answer 12 unique questions submitted to me by some very special women (anonymously shared here with permission). 

I believe many of you may have similar questions, and will get a lot out of the answers – as we delve in and explore together… this Holiday Season, these are my gifts to you! 💗🎁🛍️💝

And as always, I welcome your feedback at TheSirenRules@gmail.com if you’re inspired to write to me directly.

𝕼𝖚𝖊𝖘𝖙𝖎𝖔𝖓 #1

I would like to hear about loving yourself despite how others treat you. Trust yourself, develop confidence and get better.

~N

Hello N, thanks for writing – and that is such an important question! 

Because the truth is, it’s never really about how anyone else treats you… it’s really about how you treat yourself. When you have those beautiful qualities that you’re currently working on developing (the self-love, self-trust, confidence, and commitment to self-improvement) you don’t allow anyone into your life who would abuse or mistreat you. But the funny thing is, even without ever having to enforce your personal boundaries, the people who don’t treat you very well right now will simply fall away like withered leaves from a tree in autumn when you ascend to a higher emotional frequency.

Toxic people feed off amplifying  your own negative energy. Your fears, triggers, shame…  is their fuel. What happens when you stop giving them this nourishment? To put it in another metaphor, when you heal yourself and stop bleeding, there is no more food for the vampires and parasites in your life… and they must abandon you.

Negative / toxic / critical / harmful / etc people can only remain in our lives and bother us, when there is a resonance from their unpleasant behavior to something deep within us. The critical person who says nasty things in your life, is usually a reflection of some dark inner voice, and your own doubts, fears and insecurities. The parent who calls you up just to tell you how you’re failing to live up to your potential or their expectations of you. The boss who mistreats and exploits you. We create in our lives, in a thousand subtle ways, what we believe we deserve… whether we like it or not. The man who acts like you don’t really matter, can only remain in your orbit so long as there is some part of you that still worries that maybe you don’t. From a higher perspective, life is a beautiful journey of challenges that perfectly reflect the lessons we need to learn at each point in our personal evolution… once we realize that, we can stop the fruitless, impossible quest to change anyone else, and are empowered by focusing on what we need to change in ourselves instead. Then, like magic, everything else changes around us to reflect that –  effortlessly. 

None of this is meant to excuse any harmful or abusive behavior you and others have endured – but to inspire anyone struggling with unkind treatment to embrace self-love and walk away from any relationship that doesn’t serve you. 

How do you develop self-love, self-trust, self-confidence? The most helpful words of wisdom I can share, are to realize that this is the great quest of your life – the ever-deepening process of blooming and unfolding into your most authentic, beautiful, radiant self. That inward journey, just like a physical journey, is made up of thousands of little steps…the answer is not something you can simply “switch on” or “fix” like a broken lightbulb. It is not something you can understand through the right words from a teacher, like a historical fact or a chemical formula. The formula of who you are, and why you are worthy of all that is good as a woman living in this world, is a story that you alone can write, and an answer that you alone can discover through your own experience. It is your own unique evolution, and the purpose of your life. 

Beware – you can not expect a mind-hack, a self-help book, a positive affirmation, or anyone else to give you the answer, because the answer is your life… it is the very essence of why you must live your life… because the purpose of your one and only unique life is for you to discover exactly why your are lovable, why you should trust yourself, and to have the confidence to shine your unique, authentic light into the world. A sage, wise woman, or spiritual guru could certainly tell you that the answer has to do with the truth of your divine nature, with the beauty of love, with sharing your unique gifts and being joyfully of service to the world… but what good would those words do, if you haven’t felt and experienced any of these things for yourself? 

So I say to you, take action in the direction of your fears – in order to conquer them, and expand your true self – moving in tiny steps, as much as your doubts and fears will allow – but to resolve to keep moving, daily, consistently, ever forward, toward the good. Anything that you believe will improve your life, is an excellent place to start. Taking steps will put you on the path of that thousand-mile-quest of your life’s purpose, and the faster you can move with a little bit of courage, the more consistent you can be in facing your fears, the faster you will find the answer.

The worst thing you can do is stay still… in a soup of negative and self-critical feelings. Resolve to take steps… every day… in spite of fear and doubt. When you not only do this, but watch yourself doing it, day in and day out… you will discover a self-trust and confidence you never knew you could feel… and self-love will follow. Nurture that love, and water it with positive-self-talk, kindness, and self-care, the way you would treasure a delicate seedling, that will one day grow into a gorgeous rose. Learn to speak to yourself the way you would imagine speaking to your own beloved young daughter, to be the “perfect parent” to yourself now that as an adult, you are responsible for your own wellbeing. 

Most sincerely I wish you all good things as you come into the beauty of your unique light as a woman in this world – and am always here if you would like the support and guidance of personal coaching sessions on your journey.

I wish you a VERY MERRY holiday season and until next time, much love!

🎅❄️🎁🎄☃️🎀🍾💝💋

~Selina (the Siren-Santa 😘)

TheSirenRules@gmail.com

💛