Siren Rule #15: A Siren always trusts herself – her feelings, her needs, her desires.
Siren Rule #15: A Siren always trusts herself – her feelings, her needs, her desires.
This is the third and final part of my popular series of posts, “He Can’t Love You Until You Make Him Prove Himself.” This is the nuts and bolts of how to make a man step up and prove himself to you, some of the key foundational principles a Siren operates with.
I work through these steps with my coaching clients and watch as their relationships completely turn around. It’s not a miracle, it’s what men are biologically wired to value and desire. In the last post I covered Knowing What You Want and Singing Your Song (communicating the Siren way). Now let’s cover Giving vs. Giving BACK and Being A Prize.
Step #3) A Siren Doesn’t Give – She Gives Back
It’s amazing how common the mistake of what I call “over-giving” or “giving-FORWARD” is among ordinary women. The average woman seems to operate under the belief that if you’re simply really, really, really nice to a man, he’ll fall in love with you. Unfortunately, that couldn’t be further from the truth.
What ordinary women fail to understand, is that to men (especially alpha-men) your giving before he’s done anything for you, is repulsive. It’s a turn-off. It’s gross. It makes no sense. It’s something that makes you look like you have absolutely no value, and worse it’s behaving like his mother… the only woman in the world who gave him love he didn’t earn. Because as a man grows up, he quickly finds that to have attention and respect and value and anything he enjoys in the world, he has to earn it. He has to prove himself. He has to take action and make things happen. His boss doesn’t just give him an amazing six-figure salary, and then says, “Well I have no idea really if you’re qualified since you’ve never done this before, but good luck, I hope this won’t be a waste of company money to give you a chance!” And the bank doesn’t say, “Mr. Smith, you haven’t done a thing to earn our trust since you just walked in the door and apparently you’ve never closed a business deal in your life… but we’ve just been itching to loan out our capital to somebody, so here’s a million dollar credit line, we hope it works out and you’ll pay us back one day!”
Because of course that would be ridiculous. Bosses and banks operate with logic. Bosses and banks value themselves, and don’t give away what they have for nothing. Everybody in a man’s world understands that you first have to prove yourself before you are given what you want.
But somehow, with so many women, these logical principles fly out the window. Because so many women meet a guy, think he’s amazing, pay absolutely no attention to how he’s treating her or how he’s handling the relationship, fall in love for no real reason of merit – and then just start showering him with gifts he hasn’t earned in the slightest – hoping he’ll fall in love out of some sort of reciprocity. They shower him with their availability, their exclusivity, their compassion, their understanding, compliments, amazing sex, changing their style and preferences to suit his, adapting to his schedule, sending thoughtful notes and words of encouragement and ideas and plans for future dates… it’s enough to smother any hope of spark between them.
Unless you’ve made him prove himself to you, he knows you have no standards and no value. And a worthy man isn’t going to fall in love with a woman who has no standards and no value.
And sadly, average women do this over and over and over again, and then wonder why they’re always left heartbroken and feeling used and abused with guys.
I won’t derail this post by getting into the many toxic ways women are taught these “pleasing” and subservient behaviors from our patriarchal society. If you’re guilty of doing this in your relationships, it’s not your fault… in countless ways we’ve all been taught to be “nice” or punished for showing strength, self-love and boundaries. Men run the world, and men would quickly be on their knees in relationships across the board if women weren’t routinely “broken” of their innate strength and spirit from a young age. What I will tell you, is that Sirens do not operate on the same “please-the-man” script as everybody else.
The first thing a Siren does with a man is check in with herself on how he makes her feel… not just how she feels about his good looks and impressive resume. A Siren judges a man based on what he’s doing for the relationship and how well he’s treating her. A Siren knows exactly what she wants from a man, she expresses it though the Siren method of communication (see last post – communicating in a way that actually makes sense to men!) and then she steps back and allows him to follow through on her wishes, to prove himself worthy of her attention. She never “over-gives” or is “giving-FORWARD” hoping he’ll return the favor…she knows that is a dead end road, every time.
Instead, a Siren understands that any relationship has a sort of unspoken emotional balance sheet… like an energetic bank account. When he gives to her – whether it’s a lovely date, or compliments, or attention, or flowers, or putting her first, or calling every day, or whatever makes her feel good – he’s made a deposit into her emotional bank account. And because she is happy and full from what he has given her, she will gladly give some of that affection and positive feeling back to him, in ways that he enjoys.
She will give back SOME, but not ALL of what he gives to her. She will not overdraw the account. She will not go into negative numbers chasing after him. She will not extend a generous line of credit until she is emotionally bankrupt to some guy who’s never given her a penny! But this, unfortunately, is what I see all too often in my coaching practice.
Stop rewarding any man who isn’t meeting your needs. Never give what you aren’t getting, never be “giving-FORWARD” hoping to win back love for being “so nice”, and keep your relationship account full by only giving-BACK to a man a portion (but not all) of what he’s given you in terms of your effort and energy.
Step #4) A Siren is a Challenge, A Treasure & A Prize
What a man is chasing when he chases you, is the privilege of being intimate with you. And believe it or not, the sexiest thing in the world to a man is what he ISN’T getting… the sweet torment of desire unsatisfied, the months or years of fantasizing about his unattainable dream woman, being inspired to reach new heights in life so he can finally impress the girl of his dreams – then finally conquering her when no other guy could – these are the ultimate sex fantasies of men.
When you give yourself up on the second or third date, the magic is gone. You’ve just burst his bubble. Deflated the balloon. All the fun and challenge of courting you, chasing you, proving himself to you, working hard to win you over, the “dance” of love – you’ve literally just destroyed it by being easy.
Ever wonder why the word “easy” has such negative connotations? Why it’s a slur against women that men use? It’s funny because women actually think that if they date a guy and give him sex right away (and not just sex, but incredible, amazing, porn-star, freaky-circus-sex!) that will be the thing that keeps him around, because men like sex right? And why deny a guy you like something that he wants? Wouldn’t that be kind of mean? And of course you should always be “nice”… ? So wouldn’t “easy” be something guys like?
Well, just think of a bunch of guys in a locker room, or boardroom whispering, “Yah, she seemed great at first but… man, that girl is easy.” They will all know what that means. That’s a woman that he has no future with.
You don’t want to be easy. You want to be NEARLY IMPOSSIBLE! A Siren certainly is.
There are many good reasons why you should stop jumping into bed with men too soon. Perhaps the best reason, is it makes the relationship better for both of you. You’ll have a man who’s on his best behavior doing whatever you like in order to win you over, and he’ll be thrilled to finally, finally(!) meet a woman who hasn’t slept with every guy in town before she got to him, and might be real-relationship-material. The more difficult you are, the more devoted and obsessed with you he will be. All of this can be accomplished without losing a bit of your natural sexuality – you aren’t going to act like a nun, you’re just going to have a boundary that you don’t cross until you’re sure about him.
What’s amazing is that you’ll find once you trust yourself not to go too far regardless of the circumstances, you’ll be far more expressive and passionate and confident as a glorious Siren casting a spell over her man. The sexiest thing you can possibly imagine is freely using ALL of your sensuality – kissing-talent, teasing, smiling, dressing gorgeous and flirting with him – without ever going all the way or feeling obligated to his burning loins. The more you keep him wanting as a goddess of desirability, the more you seal his fate with yours. Believe me, teasing and waiting is well worth it.
Alternatively, if you’re having sex with him within a month… worse, within a week… all he’s thinking about his how many weeks and months have passed in your life before you dated him. How many men you’ve hit it with. It will drive him absolutely insane… he will wonder about it when he sees men on the street. Did you have sex with that guy? What about him? What about your boss? What about his friends? His college roommate? His brother?
You can’t build a long term relationship with a man (especially and alpha-man) if he thinks of you as the leftovers from every other guy in town. I hate to say it, because of course a woman should be free to do whatever she wants with her body – and you absolutely are – but know that when you meet a man that YOU want a long-term-relationship with, this is how he thinks. So the more you care about him, the more you need to make him do for you, the more you need to make him work for it, and the longer you need to make him wait before you give him all of you. That is the number one way he will measure your value and self-respect, for better or worse.
Bottom line: Stop sleeping with guys who’ve proven nothing to you. A Siren is a treasure, a challenge and a prize… Take your power back and be a Siren – the desirable, unattainable woman of his dreams!
Siren Rule #14: A Siren delights in her power, and uses it well.
Last time we talked about the imporance of achievement in an alpha-man’s mind, and why a woman “helping” him feels anything but sexy. Rather than creating the passion which is sturred by respect, desire and challenge, your “helping” him through “love”, comes across as smothering, mothering, enabling and gross.
It’s a tough one to wrap our minds around as women, because that’s a complete 180 from what most women were taught about the virtues of unconditional love… so chances are pulling back from this behavior will feel callous, cold and materialistic to you at first. But none the less, we must endeavor to give our love in the way our lover wants to be loved, not in the way that we feel they “should”.
Save your “unconditional” love for babies, kittens and small children, and use the following Siren-tips with your alpha-man.
1. Turn “enabling” into “coaching”
To an alpha-man venting his feelings and frustrations to his partner is a little bit like binge eating ice cream… it may feel good at first. But he’s disgusted with himself later, even though he doesn’t tell you. So you don’t want to be standing there with the “ice cream” helping him feel sick after another long “whiny” conversation to you about all his troubles. That’s enabling an unproductive behavior. He knows complaining doesn’t get things done – and getting things done is #1 in his value system. If you continue to be a willing distraction for him, and coddle his feelings, sooner or later when he mans up, his only choice will be to push away from you like an addict renouncing a toxic substance.
Don’t be associated with bad habits he needs to quit, and stop problems before they begin by turning “enabling” conversations into quick, productive, “coaching” turn-arounds. The next time he starts to moan about this that or the other at work, keep a level professional voice, and say something like, “Well that sounds like quite a challenge. What are you going to do about that?” or “Wow, that’s a surprise. How are you going to handle it?” or “That doesn’t sound good, but I’m sure you’ve been through worse before… what do you think your best options are?” etc.
2. Stop telling him you’ll love him no matter what, and start challenging him to be his best.
If he’s 50 lbs overweight and massively in debt, don’t try to make him feel better by saying it doesn’t matter to you and you only have eyes for him and if you have to pay all the bills to help out, you’re willing. He’ll lose all respect for you, because he doesn’t want to be with a woman who would pay the bills for some massively in debt guy and cling to him even though he’s gone from fit to obese over the course of their relationship. And he doesn’t want to be that guy. Instead, try playfully, but firmly, telling him you have standards and you expect him to get his house in order.
“Oh is this John Smith? The John Smith who could take on the world and worked out three hours every day? Sorry I almost didn’t recognize you with all your whining…” said with a flirty smile will work wonders when he shows up for a pity party.
Alpha men love to be challenged.
3. Stop rewarding his insecurities
When you give him total reassurance in moments of weakness and insecurity, it may feel like you’re being loving and kind, but you’re really crushing the fighting spirit that made him so attractive to you in the first place – and you’re encouraging him to be more insecure around you, because he gets an emotional “reward” for it. There’s certainly no reason to be heartless or mean, but a little humor and provocation will challenge him and bring back his warrior spirit. Don’t be afraid to treat him like a grown man, and not a fragile baby. For example:
Man: “Am I getting fat?”
Average woman: “Of course not! You look great!”
Siren: “It’s a shame you gave up the gym – you looked great back when you were going every day. Want to go together?”
Man: “Would you stay with me, even if I lost all my money?”
Average woman: “Absolutely! I love you for who you are inside. And I have a job…”
Siren: (smirks) “Well I wouldn’t suggest it…”
Man: “Do you think that other guy is attractive?”
Average woman: “I only have eyes for you!”
Siren: “Could be, if he treated me right.” (playful wink) “I wonder if he’d introduce me to his mother?”
4. Manage time
Don’t fall into the trap of being a time-waster or a means of procrastination for your man when he’s facing big challenges or overwhelming odds. If he calls you up and starts talking about everything he has to do, but is avoiding doing it by calling you during business hours – cut things short. It will win his respect, and help him succeed.
Man: “The phone has been ringing off the hook all day, I’ve got about 1,000 people to get back to…”
Average woman: “Oh my gosh, that’s absolutely awful! They expect way too much of you – only twenty-four hours in the day…”
Siren: “So what are you doing talking to me then?”
Man: “I’ve got to finish the final version of these plans, get that annual report to Tom and I have no idea how we’ll get financing…”
Average woman: “I’m so glad you called me, I’ve been wondering where you’ve been! Oh it’s just awful that work has been keeping you away so much…”
Siren: “Yah? Well why don’t I let you wrap that stuff up, and we can chat tomorrow. I’m off to visit a friend for lunch.”
5. Trust he can do for himself – and change the subject to you
Don’t fall into the trap of thinking you must offer some essential emotional or psychological component in his life, without which he couldn’t get along and overcome his challenges. Regardless of the magnitude of his problems, chances are, like most people, he will know exactly what actions he will need to take to solve them. He may not want to take those actions… those actions may not be pleasant… but he doesn’t really need you to figure them out for him, to brainstorm with, to coddle his feelings, to share his frustrations or to offer your undying unconditional love. Allow him to vent briefly and move on, by telling him you have faith in his abilities. “I’m sure you can handle it.” “That’s a pain, but I know you’ve been through worse.” and “I can’t wait to see how you pull it off.” Are a few good phrases to try. And then change the subject and stop talking about his problems – and instead talk about what matters to you.
The alpha-man is a do-er, a leader, a decision maker, a risk taker, a visionary and an incredibly hard worker. He loves to earn the respect of his community, and the high status that comes with achievement and success. He’s been independent from a young age, and has great confidence in himself and his abilities. His life is full of stress, challenges, and long hours at the office… so why does it feel so off-putting to him, when you try to “help” him with his problems? Even if you are careful not to pretend to be an expert on the subject, but simply cheer him on or allow him to vent his feelings to you as a loving partner? Isn’t that helpful? And isn’t being helpful good?
The fact is, what feels good to women, feels incredibly uncomfortable to alpha-men. Women tend to love in the way they would like to be loved – long, intimate conversations, bonding through the sharing of feelings, supporting one another in difficult emotional times and being unwaveringly supportive and encouraging of the people you care about. But all this “emotional giving” that to you feels like a relaxing soak in a hot bath at the end of a long day, to him feels like being forced to swim through a pool of slime. He doesn’t even want to dip his toe in the water, while you’re doing laps in the deep end… because it’s how you naturally relate to your girlfriends, your siblings, your children, etc.
Masculine men relate to other men in terms of rank, success, achievement and results. They don’t care what anyone feels about anything, and male friends show their bond to one another by stepping up with some sort of action (like lending money for a business deal, or paying for dinner and a round of drinks) than by any sort of talk-talk-talk “nonsense”. Men know which men have their back… who they can count on… without ever having long fuzzy conversations late into the night about their respective childhoods or their favorite color.
To you, long, emotional, unconditionally-supportive conversations feel like love. To him it feels like foo-foo nonsense at best, and quazi-motherly-coddling at worst. His results-oriented world does not leave room for “nice try” and “it’s the thought that counts.” He judges himself in the same way that all the men around him that he respects judge him and every other man – by the facts. And if he’s not getting something done, if he’s not meeting his goals, all your supportive loving words and encouragement will just feel like patronizing BS to him. Unfortunately, there’s no way around it… he will flog himself to achieve the objective, and if you act as if reaching the objective isn’t that important, because you’ll “love him anyway”, he will still feel exactly the same way about it, but walk away from the conversation with less respect, and less attraction for you.
The only person who’s ever loved the alpha-man regardless of his achievements is his mother. It certainly doesn’t help you to come across as “mothering” him in any way by being “unconditional” in your love. And if you allow him a way out from his goal, trying to reduce his stress, he’ll see it as a sort of toxic sabotage through the enabling of weakness. And he doesn’t want people around him who enable weakness… he lives and dies by achievement, his sense of self is tied up in his achievements, and his passion is achievement. So either you value him based on his achievements as well, or you won’t make much sense in his world.
How the heck do you do that without coming across as a bossy-taskmaster-ice-queen? Glad you asked! We’ll go over five great ways to go from “helping” your man to winning his love and respect while challenging him to succeed in the next post.
Alpha men are wired to be providers, decision-makers and leaders. They pride themselves on “getting it done”, taking care of problems, and “results.” They seek high status, recognition and power in their society. They are relentlessly results-focused in their careers, and (if they are successful), are far more keenly aware of social signals and everyone’s thoughts, feelings and preferences, than you would give them credit for. They understand body language, tone of voice, availability/unavailability, regardless of whether they conveniently act “blind” to your signals when it comes to the relationship. They did not climb the corporate ladder, close a hundred business deals or get elected because they are clueless about human nature. On the contrary, they’re probably more aware than you are, on a gut level, of what’s really going on in your relationship.
So why aren’t they committing to you when you clearly love them so much, and are willing to do anything for them? When you’re willing to bend over backwards for them, to help them, to cheer them on, to stick by them through thick and thin, when you show your loyalty and devotion by refusing to date or spend time with other guys, in spite of the fact there’s no real relationship status between you, even after years of dating? Why don’t they appreciate that and see how lucky they are to have you in their corner, with all your love and devotion?
Because frankly, that sort of female behavior makes no sense to him. He knows he’s given you nothing but a few wild nights and some fancy dinners, so why you would be ready to walk off into the sunset with him? It doesn’t add up in his mind. He makes decisions logically, and he knows that for example, if a piece of land, or a small business, is on the market for $100,000, he’s not going to get it for 50 cents. And if it’s really worth $100,000, he’s not going to be the only one who wants to buy it. Maybe there’s a way to creatively negotiate the price down with the seller, or do something clever with the financing – but that would take lots of effort and energy and hard work on his part. It’s only logical. However, if the seller showed up on his door step one night, and offered him the place for free, chances are he wouldn’t take it. He’d be suspicious. Because people don’t give away valuable things for free… if they were worth something to begin with, they cost money. But if there’s some huge hidden problem… a pending lawsuit… a zoning issue… a bad title… that’s when people try to get rid of it for a song.
Can you see where this is going?
Valuable things aren’t free. If you give yourself to him for free, he assumes that either you aren’t valuable (and therefore he doesn’t want you) or you’re pretending to be valuable but really there is some hidden disaster he’s unaware of, that he’ll only discover when it’s too late. Like a pending lawsuit or a bad title, he starts to wonder why you became exclusive with him after two dates when he didn’t commit to a relationship with you… it’s like someone trying to give him a piece of land or a business for free. That doesn’t happen in the real world unless there’s something very fishy going on. You stopped seeing other men, before he did anything to prove himself worthy of that… so he wonders, if you’re only dating him, are there no other guys willing to date you? Something they all know that he doesn’t? Do you have some crazy past you’re not telling him about? Massive gambling debts? Drug addiction? STDs? Bi-polar disorder? Why on earth would you give him anything and everything, when he hasn’t proven himself to you? He wonders why are you so hung up on him. Is it because you haven’t achieved anything in your life/career, so that you want to live vicariously through him, or just ride his coat tails into a certain lifestyle?
A lot of different possibilities run through his mind, none of them good. Even if you have a heart of gold, and would be the best woman in the world for him, he’ll always be scared and on the fence waiting for the other shoe to drop because you fell in love and made it all so easy for him.
The truth is, he’s worked incredibly hard in his life to earn what he has. None of it came easy or for free. If your goal is to be his “most valuable asset” as a loving partner for life, you shouldn’t come for free either. By the logic of his mind, the “love of his life” should be his hardest-won prize. And as crazy as it sounds, just by being playfully difficult, having strong boundaries, putting yourself first, and refusing to “give” or “lean in” with him, you flip the switch in his head that alerts him to the possibility that the “love of his life” could very well be you…
Never make it easy. Never be “free”. “Making him commit” is setting the bar far too low. Follow the Siren Rules and have the man of your dreams worship the ground you walk on!
When a man, (especially an alpha-man) pushes you into sex, it’s definitely not just about getting sex for him. If a woman matters on any level to him, unless she’s already been put into the “one night stand” category by virtue of being some chick he picked up at a strip club, or a weekend conquest on his way through town on a business trip, what he’s really doing (consciously or unconsciously) is testing you.
He’s evaluating to see how far he can push your boundaries, where your boundaries are, how you deal with conflict, how well you stand up for yourself, specifically how well you stand up to powerful men, and how you handle the aftermath. All of those things are critical steps – “tests” that show him whether you are a woman worthy of his further interest and attention, or a weak, emotional, desperate-to-please mess, like every other woman he’s dated.
The response to the sex-test is simple. When he pushes you, you want him to find a velvet hammer… not a wilted daisy. You can be sweet as a peach when you make it clear nothing will be happening that you’re not comfortable with, and right now you’re only comfortable with cuddling. Or a kiss goodnight. Or dinner and conversation. Period, end of sentence. “But…”, you might add, “you have potential… get to know me better and I might have my way with you yet…” with a sultry smile as you close the door in his face.
He’ll be left burning with desire. And nothing is more delicious to an alpha-man than a woman who can put him in his place and leave him wanting more.
The bottom line is letting him push you into sex before he’s proven himself to you in every way you desire, is one of the biggest mistakes you can make. In fact, he might have had great interest in you before he tried to push you into bed just to see what would happen, and is left crushingly disappointed when it worked out “in his favor” because he was hoping for a challenge and a woman who stood up for herself… instead he found easy prey.
He can’t have a meaningful releationship with easy prey. Lions mate with other lions, not little lost lambs. So keep this in mind the next time a man you’re interested in tries pushing you into sex, and you’re on the fense about whether to push back or give in.
Don’t let him win. Hold on to your power and leave him dreaming about you, until he’s the one that’s been conquered.