A man will never bake a cake for the woman who accepts mere crumbs.

A man will never bake a cake for the woman who accepts mere crumbs.

How To Have REAL BOUNDARIES with MEN

“Boundaries” are not “boundary statements.”

So often, women don’t understand the difference… and wonder why their “boundaries” don’t work.

A “boundary statement” is saying something like, “No thank-you” or “I’ll pass” or “That doesn’t work for me” or “Hmm…. not interested.”

When a woman says something like, “I just can’t take this anymore!” or “I’m so sick of you doing that!” or “I’m fed up!” or “You’re such an @$$hole!! I’ve had enough of all your BS!!!” that is NOT a boundary.

That’s a complaint.

That’s whining…

And lying… and bluffing.

Because if a woman says “I’m fed up!” and doesn’t immediately leave… she loses all respect from the man, and removes any possible reason for him to improve his behavior.

Without immediate, clear, action-based consequences anything you say goes in one ear and out the other.

It’s tragic that so many women seek advice online about “what to say” to a man to “express” their boundaries, or “communicate boundaries correctly.”

This is fundamentally wrong. Men don’t care “what you say.” They care about what you do.

Boundaries are not some perfectly worded declarative statements that have the power to magically transform a man’s behavior into what you want. You can’t concoct some perfect combination of words to turn a frog into a prince just because you’d like it to be possible…

The very idea that talking could be enough, so long as you say the right words cribbed from some relationship guru or “expert”, is an unfortunate delusion that appeals to weak women who are actually terrified of having standards for what they tolerate, and upsetting the toxic man they’re attached to.

The reality is, there are no “magic spells” you get to use. No perfect combination of factual statements and babbling about your feelings is going to turn a bad guy into a good guy. If there is any hope for change it will be with real boundaries… not words.

A real “boundary” is taking the appropriate action.

Words may or may not even be involved.

That “boundary” is going to vary depending on the context of the exact situation where a line has been crossed for you.

It may be leaving the chat. It may be hanging up the phone. It may be not answering an inappropriate question. It may be laughter. It may be excusing yourself to the bathroom with a smile. It may be leaving the room. It may be stepping away to talk to someone else at the party. It may be grabbing your bag and going home. It may be dating someone else. It may be no longer having sex… or stopping sex right as it’s happening. It may be no longer giving that man your time and attention so freely. It may be that you are no longer available when he wants you. It may be changing your number. It may be blocking or unfollowing him on social media. It may be letting the phone ring to voicemail.

There are endless variations of what boundaries look like in practice… and the appropriate boundary depends on what exactly happened, what your standards are, and the context of the situation.

But it is always powerful and unequivocal ACTION that teaches a man where the line really is with you.

Action is the only way it is possible to show you are serious to a man. Action is REAL. Action is how men deal with other men… and when you show you are capable of “communicating” with action, and not just words, you immediately get the same respect that men give to other men they take seriously.

When a man crosses a line with another man, he’s not expecting a soliloquy about how he hurt the other guy’s feelings…

No, he’s more concerned with a punch in the face. Or getting fired. Or getting sued. At the very least, if a guy was a bad friend to another guy, the guy who got the short end of the stick definitely isn’t gonna volunteer to come over and help him move next weekend.

Because men use actions… not words.

But with so many women, not only will they let their lines be crossed with nothing more than a verbal complaint (whining!), they’ll keep on giving the man all the benefits of what they have to offer as a woman… they keep picking up the phone, listening to his problems, dressing up nice to see him, advising him on his career, being available for sex, cooking him dinners and doing his laundry!

What man in his right mind would change anything about his behavior if he can do whatever he wants, and get all his needs met? So long as there are no meaningful consequences, he feels like the king of the hill… the greatest negotiator that ever lived. He gives her nothing – but she runs over to his house to make him dinner and be used for sex… without any effort or commitment on his behalf. Why would on earth would he change a thing if all she does is whine about the relationship? That only further signals “low-value” to a man.

A strong woman doesn’t whine – she walks out the door and doesn’t look back. Then it’s his problem to somehow find a way to claw and crawl and scramble back into her good graces when he’s realized he’s messed up.

By expressing real boundaries, you immediately stop being treated like a toy, pet, child, or second-rate, weak, incapable, low-value, plaything. Remember… a man must feel respect before love and commitment is possible. Anything else is just fooling around and getting-off for him.

Otherwise, as the saying goes… “You get what you tolerate.”

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If this Siren lesson resonates and you’d like some one-on-one coaching about your situation, I’d love to hear from you at TheSirenRules@gmail.com.

Much love! 

~Selina