Hello my lovely Sirens-in-bloom!
As I sit down to unwind with a favorite cup of tea at the end of a busy day of putting finishing touches on holiday plans, I am drawn back to thinking of you….ย the women who have found so many insights and inspiration in the timeless feminine principles of The Siren Rules…
I am thinking of all of you as I enjoy the blessings of the season…. at this moment, to me, it is still Christmas Eve… an enchanting and magical time, quiet and peaceful, the house twinkles with mystery and sparkles, beautifully still before the excitement of Christmas morning. I am savoring this moment, as I write to you from and open heart, a heart full of blessings and gratitude, reflecting back on all the joy the past year has brought, and the desire to share it and for you all to enjoy the same transformation from chaos and yearning into peace and overflowing.
Is it too sentimental to say that love is the greatest gift?
I don’t know, but it is true none the less, and I know that there are far more women searching for answers on love than will ever have the chance to find this work, which is not so much my work, as timeless feminine wisdom – that I simply put down into words at The Siren Rules with as many modern examples and references as I can, to help as many women as possible find a life-raft in the sea of bad advice out there in the world – advice which poisons women’s minds to think that they can have love only if they disempower themselves, and become enslaved to a manโฆ surrendered to his will while smothering their own.
Nothing could be further from the truth, and that is the great lie you have been told all your life by a fundamentally sexist and patriarchal society… that you need to be a good girl, a quiet girl, a polite girl, a submissive girl, that you should please a man, and dress up for a man, and do sex-tricks for a man, and chase a man, and humiliate yourself for a man, and starve for a man, and let the man be right, and let the man do whatever he wants, because if you don’t, you will end up sad and alone in a house full of cats for being “too much” of your real self, for being “too strong”.
The truth is you can’t be “too strong” for a man. Anyone intimidated by the strength of a woman isn’t a man. Real men everywhere are desperate to find Sirens who are unapologetically full in the radiance of their feminine powerโฆ ย so rare in the crowd of needy, insecure, try-hard, baggage-laden women they come across.
A Siren is never lacking for strength or authenticity. She does not dull her shine or bite her tongue for anyone. But she moves through the world with grace, playfulness, knowing, and wisdom. The trouble with nearly any bit of “popular relationship advice” that you will find in other sources, is that it lacks balance and subtlety… it’s always written from an all-or-nothing, black-or-white perspective. Either women are told to submit, shut up, and “behave” to keep a man endlessly happy at their own expense, or they are told to be ball-busting bitchy angry-“feminists” (who’s idea of feminism is for women to embrace doing male things like violence and casual sex instead of the things that actually feel natural to women), depending on who is giving the advice and what their particular world view is. There is no attempt to see how the truth is in the middle, that popular advice has a few valid points mixed in with a whole lot of nonsense, and to take the time to give clear examples. I find myself wondering if the “gender wars” and the various politics of womanhood which seem to go against all reason, evidence, and evolutionary biology, are a sign of our divisive and troubled timesโฆ
None the less, I will persist, because this message is important.
A Siren can be strong, without being a bitch. She can have rock-solid boundaries, without ever raising her voice. A Siren woman can be brilliant, without bragging about her resume. A Siren can be respected, without competing with her partner. A Siren can be feminine, without weakness. A Siren can let the man take the lead, and drive… after making it clear she will only remain on that ride so long as he stays on her road map.
A Siren can tell the man exactly what to do… without ever telling him what to do. A Siren can have a man obsessed with her, without (apparently) doing anything at all. A Siren will have a man fulfilling her every wish, convinced it was his very own idea. A Siren needs only one look at a man, to have him follow her to the ends of the earth… and yet she has no desire to control men because her power comes from within, not from male approval or attention. That is the mystery, and the magic of a Siren woman! That is the truth in the middle ground, the truth you won’t find elsewhere – as the extremes and nonsense in the realm of relationship advice create clicks and controversy and bestselling books… but the timeless wisdom of Siren principles simply watch with a knowing smile… as patient as mother earth herself, waiting for you to discover them.
This was the subject of what I had planned to share, but now as I think back on the day I can not resist telling a little story that caught my attention as I was out and about in the crowds of last-minute-shoppers… which perhaps might be instructive as a concrete exampleโฆ
I saw a mother this Christmas Eve with a little boy, who was understandably stressed with a list in her hand making their way through the crowd. The little boy dawdled behind, captivated by various toys on the shelves. He snatched one up and said,
“Mom, can I have this?”
She looked at it and said, “No, Jonathan, put that back.”
โBut Moooooooomโฆ..โ Jonathan begins to whine.
โI said no.โ
Little Jonathan was not to be deterred.
โBut I really want itโฆ.โ
โNoโ, she said again.
โBut Mommy, please.โ
โNo, put it back,โ she said.
โI really want it,โ the boy pouted.ย โI’m going to take it.โ
She became more irritated now.ย โI said, put that back.โ
He shook his head and ran around, having a blast defying his mother.
โYou listen to me….โ
The little boy laughed as he ran with the toy. โWhee!โ He was having a great time defying his mother.
โLook, Jonathan, I’ve had enough of this. You have plenty of toys already… You don’t need that one. Go put it back!โ
โI want this one!โ Jonathan yelled.
โWell, you can’t have it!โ The mother responded with hands on her hips.
โYes, I can!โ Jonathan asserted his willfulness.
โI’m not getting it for you!โย The mother said. โNow you listen to me…โ
โNo,โ Jonathan said, โI don’t have to!โ
โYes, you do!โ said the mother, exasperated.
โJacob’s mom would let him have itโฆโ
โI don’t care what Jacob’s mom would do.โ
โLalalalaaaaaโฆ.โ
โIf you don’t put that back, you’re not getting to watch your show after dinner.โ
โI don’t care!โ The boy shouted back, running around with the new toy, embarrassing the mother in front of everyone at the store.
Finally, she caught up to the boy, grabbed the toy, put it back on the shelf, and yanked him by the coat collar to her side, and struggled to put him inside her basket to continue with her last-minute holiday shopping list.
โHumpf,โ Jonathan responded to this treatment and folded his arms in the cart. But soon enough, he was happily banging boxes together and enjoying being pushed around by his mother, no longer having to walk or run to keep up with her.
It’s obvious he was getting a free ride, and he was the winner of this battle.
Now, I imagine most observers of this little incident would simply shrug their shoulders and say, โWhat can you do? Kids these days, they just don’t listenโฆโ But I had a slightly different perspective because of the work I do and how curious it is that psychology does not really change much whether a man is a 6-year-old defiant little boy or a 60-year-old rebellious husband.
If you took the time to analyze this exchange, you could see that energetically, the mother was the loser of this conflict, even though, after much protest, Jonathan did not get to keep the toy. Why is that? Well, because the mother had to spend so much energy to constrain him and made a bit of a spectacle of herself, having a full-on argument with a 6-year-old in front of all the people in the store.
In the same way that mothers should not be engaging in drawn out verbal arguments and attempting to prove points to their 6-year-old-children, Sirens donโt have arguments with the men in their lives. They have boundaries. They have standards. But they donโt have argumentsโฆ they know that words mean as little to a grown man, as they do to defiant six-year-old boy running around the store. They have enough pride and self-respect to see that making a spectacle of yourself by engaging in a pointless debate, only shows the other party that your values are up for debate. The average woman will debate all day long with a man about what he should and shouldnโt do. And the man will simply roll his eyes and go โlalalalaโ. A Siren on the other hand, knows what she wants, and itโs not up for discussionโฆ period.
Now, I’m sure you can guess why it is that Jonathan felt so emboldened to talk back to his mother and go against her wishes – because no doubt this particular strategy had worked for him many times in the past. Jonathan, even at the young age of 6 years old, has learned that if he simply whines and complains and harasses his mother enough, he will wear her down, and she will eventually give in, give him the toy, the extra piece of candy, or let him stay up past his bedtime, or whatever it is that he wants. Even at 6 years old, he understands, or rather he has learned that a woman’s words mean very little.
And in consequence, this is what nearly all men learn at a young age, and grow up knowing. That โnoโ from a woman only means โlets argue about it some more, before you eventually win.โ This is a dangerous precedent, and a bad habit that men must be broken of at the earliest opportunity.
You see, when his mother says, โno, you cannot have that toyโ, it doesn’t really mean โnoโ. What it means is, we’re going to have to argue about it for a while before I buy it for you!
Of course, that may not be guaranteed… sometimes he doesn’t get the toy. But in a way, that makes it all the more fun for the little boy to argue. It’s like gamblingโฆ playing roulette, with his chances. Will he win? Will he lose? He doesn’t know, but it keeps things interesting to drive his mother crazy. It doesn’t inconvenience him one bit to spend fifteen minutes running around, acting like a fool, shouting back at his mom, and playing with the toy until she finally takes it away.
To him, it’s just a fun part of his afternoon. But to his poor mother, it may be a migraine headache – or a spike in blood pressure, or an ulcer in progress! Because Jonathan’s mother has not learned the art of having real boundaries with unwavering firmness and feminine grace, she is at a loss on how to manage her unruly male child.
She is like most mothers, and therefore, it’s fair to assume that Jonathan will grow up to be like most men. Men who don’t take the words of women seriously, men who enjoy being defiant, rebellious, and argumentative, men who will not respect the most important woman in their life, because they know they can get away with not respecting her.
How do we resolve this dilemma as women? What else could Jonathan’s mother have done in this situation? If Jonathan’s mother was not the average ordinary woman, but had the skills of a Siren, what might she have done differently?
Let’s imagineโฆ.
We go back to the scene, as she pushes her cart along hurriedly along with her shopping listโฆ. Jonathan straggles behind, and grabs at the toy.
โMom, can I have this?โ he calls out behind her.
She looks at it, considers, and then calmly, but firmly, says, โNo, you’ll have to put it back.โ
โBut Moooooooomโฆ..โ Jonathan begins to whine, but it’s too late.
His mother is not listening. In fact, she’s already gone, turning down the aisle where she’s focused on the next item on her list. Jonathan, seeing his mother, is not waiting on him and knowing very well that his existence depends upon the good graces and physical connection with his mother immediately tosses the toy aside and runs to catch up with her.
He finds her a few feet away around the corner and grabs at her hand. He looks at her expression, studying carefully, if she is upset with him.
She does not seem angry or flustered. She is concentrating on her list, glancing at her notes, then back on the shelf to find the correct brand of the item she is searching for. Jonathan now has a clear message, very different from the first exampleโฆ
Jonathan observes that that his mother has a purpose and a plan, and her world does not revolve around him and his petty whims. She is her own person, she does not exist for his entertainment, or to be a fussy, doting, 24/7 nursemaid to him. His tantrums will not be indulged, and her word is final. When she says no, that means no, and thereโs no point in whining.
It does not mean that fifteen minutes of arguing, or an hour of back and forth will change the outcome. Her โnoโ means the end of the discussion, and she will not be there to continue it – or to indulge in any of his inappropriate and defiant behavior, so that it does not descend into yelling or throwing or grabbing or hitting or crying or guilt-tripping or name calling or anything else an unruly child might do.
In this version of events, Jonathan, we might guess, will grow into a responsible man who knows that his duties in life cannot be shirked or avoided. That sometimes you donโt get what you want. That women donโt exist to indulge your every whim. That you are not the center of the universe.
In this version of events, Jonathan will learn that whining or pushing or playing the victim will not get him far with the most important woman in his life, and he will learn to respects boundaries, and to respect women in general – their authority, their power, their grace under pressureโฆ and Jonathan will also learn how to control himself and his impulses, to regulate his desires within what is best for the family and society in general. He does not become spoiled, entitled, or out of control when he is old enough for his power as a man to be dangerous.
When his mother has clear rules, firm boundaries, and explicit expectations for his appropriate behavior, he learns that rules, decency, and self-control are required to be successful in life. He does not become, like so many men do, a mere man-child, still looking for an easy fix (like their mother provided), adrift with no ambition and no work ethic, well into his twenties or thirties and beyond.
The greatest influence a man can have in how he develops in life is the relationship that he had with his mother, and what she taught him about the power of a woman. Of course, the same applies not just too little boys, but little girls as well.
Now, think back for a momentโฆ what did you observe between your own mother and father? Did your mother have clear standards and expectations for his behavior? Did your mother know how to set real boundaries and enforce them unequivocally? Was your mother content, happy, empowered, and enjoying her life? Or was your mother, like Jonathan’s mother, overworked, overstressed, frustrated, haggard, and given to having debates, discussions, and arguments with those who did not deserve them?
Too many women have learned from childhood that โnoโ doesn’t mean โnoโ. That saying โnoโ is just a precursor to a negotiation. That is not what boundaries means.
I have learned in my work that it is important I clarify and teach these fundamental skills, as many times as necessary, until theyโre rock solid, in-your-bones-habits that canโt be lost when youโre flustered or surprised, because they are so critical to relationship success.
Women I work with often say to me something like, โOh but Selena, I do have boundaries! I am a very strong womanโฆ I speak up for myself! I always tell him right when it happens that he f***โd up… That I’m not going to stand for this anymoreโฆ That I deserve betterโฆ I tell him that all the time! But you see he just won’t listen to meโฆI tell him โnot to talk to me like thatโ, and he says โI’ll talk to you however I wantโฆโ I say โThat’s not okay with meโ and he says โtoo badโโฆ So how can I change him, Selena? He’s just such a jerk!โ
Well, at this point I have to pause to make sure the words sink in.
โYou don’t change him,โ I say. โYou change yourself. A boundary is not a set of words leading into an argumentโฆ a boundary means you don’t let it happen. Period.โ
โHow can I not let it happen?โ
โOkay, let’s take an exampleโฆ letโs say, he calls you a bitch, which obviously crosses a line – ย then you take action to show that is truly unacceptable… that action is going to be dependent on the context – in other words, what exact situation you are in. So if you are talking on the phone and he says it, you might hang up the phone. Or if that feels too overwhelming for you to start with, you could say something like, โI’m hanging up now – call me again when you can be respectful.โ before you hang up, to make it very clear. If you are at home, you might step out of the room and go somewhere private away from him where you can close the door. If you are out at a restaurant, you might excuse yourself from the table and go to the bathroom to catch your breath and touch up your makeup. All of these actions are what a real boundary looks like. You must disengage from the unacceptable behavior, and stop feeding it your attention!โ
โButโฆ isnโt that letting him get away with it?โ
โNo, itโs sending a very clear message thatโs far more powerful than your words. Now he needs you. Heโs left holding the bag of his bad behavior. He feels adrift and abandoned when โhis womanโ leaves him. If itโs in a public setting or in front of others, he feels completely humiliated as a man thatโs just been rejected by the woman heโs supposed to be with. Thatโs far worse punishment than you snarking something back at him, continuing to sit at the same table. And it’s disengaging from the behavior that you find unacceptable, which puts a healthy pause on the situation that allows him some time to reflect on his behavior, what just happened, the negative result from his behavior, and to correct himself. Ideally, when you return, he has adjusted his attitude and is ready to apologizeโฆ and if he hasnโt adjusted his attitude by the time you check in a few minutes later (the timeline varies by context) then you can simply leave and not have any more interaction until he is ready to show you he can be respectful, and itโs up to him to initiate that action and extend an olive branch when heโs done wrong. If he’s never ready to be respectful, then you never need to speak to him again. It’s simple!โ
Once you understand how this really works, the key point is that you never need to argue about what your boundaries are. They’re not up for negotiation. They’re not an open door to a debate. They are your sacred lines that cannot be crossed. They are your rules, the rules for engagement with men. Something is a boundary to the extent that if a man does not obey that rule, he is not allowed in your life โ and there are no exceptions.
Some examples of excellent boundaries to have would include no insults, no yelling, no disrespectful language, no breaking of promises, no forgetting dates or appointments, no laughing at your expense, no embarrassing you in public, no negative comments on your weight, appearance, or other personal characteristics, no passive-aggressive desire to change you or your preferences, no pushiness about your sexual limits. There are many, many more boundaries a Siren would have on her personal list, but those are just a few for your consideration.
One of my personal favorites is not wasting my time, because time is so precious, and if a man does not respect your time, there is little else that he will respect about you.
Now let’s imagine the example we just went through, and how similar it would be if Jonathan was a grown 30-year-old man, with a wife and kids, and his behavior played out the same as it always did, if his wife was an average woman.
Jonathan comes home and says,
โOh hey honey, by the way, Bill is having his bachelor party in Vegas next week, and I’m going to go with the guys. It’s going to be great fun. Bill wants to set a record for how many strip clubs we can visit before the night is through, haha. It’s going to be a blastโฆ I better order my tickets before it gets too late.โ
At this point, the average woman would be fuming (and showing it) and might say something like, โAre you crazy!? You can’t do thatโฆโ and the following argument would ensue.
โWhat do you mean? Bill’s my best friend! Of course, I have to be there for his bachelor party.โ
โWell, I don’t want you going to any strip clubs, and I don’t want you going to Vegas with a bunch of guys either.โ
โOh, I seeโฆ ย well, isn’t this just like you? So selfish! You know, none of the other guys’ wives made a big deal about itโฆ they’re letting them go. Besides, can’t you see how much this would mean to me? I haven’t seen half these guys since college.โ
โYou can see your friends without going to a strip club. That is not okayโฆ Don’t you see how disrespectful that is to me, your wife?โ
โWow, you’re really making too big of a big deal out of this. You think I haven’t seen any other naked women before? It’s not like I’m having sex with them, good Lordโฆโ
โHow do I know what youโre going to be doing in Vegas!?โ
โYou are ridiculousโฆ you know what your problem is? You’re just insecure. Maybe if you went to the gym once in a while, you wouldn’t be paranoid about other women being around me.โ
โExcuse me? How dare you! This has nothing to do with me being insecureโฆThis is about my husband wanting to go to a strip club with a bunch of guys and you think I’m gonna put up with that? There’s no way this is happening! And by the way, Buster, you don’t look so hot yourself!! When was the last time you went to the gym!?โ
โYou know I keep in shape by playing racquetball with the rest of the sales team every Wednesdayโฆ but you just sit around on the couch all day with the kids watching soap operas doing nothingโฆโ
As you can see, it doesn’t take long for this argument to devolve into disrespectful nastiness, and back-and-forth bickering that damages the relationship, and is so pretty and tasteless it would never be tolerated by a classy, self-respecting-Siren.
The exact same scenario, if Jonathan’s wife happened to be a Siren, would be much shorter (and sweeter) and go something like this as Jonathan comes home:
โHey babe, great newsโฆ. Bill is having his bachelor party in Vegas next week, me and the boys we’re gonna see how many strip clubs we can hit before the night is through, haha! Can’t wait to see all the guys again! I’d better hurry up and get my plane tickets…โ
The Siren-wife slowly turns around, looks her husband dead in the eye with a meaningful pause, shakes he head and says in a soft purr, โDarlingโฆ if you go on this trip, you might as well not come back.โ Then she smiles and simply leaves the room, cool as can be.
Thereโs no debating. There’s no discussing. She isn’t triggered. She isn’t angry. Thereโs no descent into marital hell, and all the words you canโt take back.
She graciously leaves to give him the space to think things over, trusting heโll come to the correct decision about what he values in his life.
Jonathan takes a second to recover himselfโฆ then picks up the phone to send his regrets to Bill and the boys.
โSorry guys, but you know how it isโฆ. yah, the old ball and chainโฆ but hey, happy wife, happy life, you know what I mean? When you get back to town and we can get some steak at Roscoe’sโฆ Okay, great.โ
The guys understand, and arrange for a more appropriate alternative.
โOh and, Iโd love for Jane to meet her soonโฆ yahโฆ heh… yah, youโre right I am lucky! I have no idea how I got a bombshell like her either! She really is amazingโฆ keeps me on my toes, thatโs for sure…. Donโt worry, I wonโt be missing those strippersโฆ it’s like Paul Newman saidโฆwhy go out for hamburger when you’ve got steak at home?โ
I hope that each one of you will come to know the joy, beauty, and empowerment of being a Siren, and having your man delighted to be wrapped around your finger.
I wish you a VERY MERRY holiday season and until next time, much love!
๐
โ๏ธ๐๐โ๏ธ๐๐พ๐๐
~Selina
๐
The Siren Rules 