Hello again ladies!
Tonight we continue our โ12 Days of Christmasโ Q&A blog post series … these answers are my gifts to you! ๐๐๐
And as always, I welcome your feedback at TheSirenRules@gmail.com if youโre inspired to write to me directly! Xo!
๐ผ๐๐๐๐๐๐๐ #5
How can I increase my charisma and social confidence in day to day life as well as social gatherings such as group dinners/parties/events? I would like to feel more comfortable being in the spotlight and having attention on me so that I can let my real personality shine through. Instead, I find myself trying to run away from having any attention on me although I know there is a part of me that would love attention if I knew how to navigate it gracefully.
Thank you for taking your time to do this Siren series! I am so excited to read all the questions and your blog posts. Even if my question isn’t included, I am sure the series will be insightful and uplifting to so many women!
~Y
Thank-you very much for your kind words, and your question! I am always inspired to support the incredible women who read this blog, and Iโm very glad to have you here reading and learning along!ย
The answer to how you can increase your charisma and social confidence in day to day life, as well as various social events, would depend on your unique circumstances and personal trouble spots, so I’ll do the best I can while speaking in generalities – keeping in mind that not everything may apply to you and your situation.
Charisma comes from listening well and shining your unique light unabashedly – leaning into who you are, sharing your true self, but also accepting others for who they are. (FYI someone shining their light brightly without graciously accepting the light of others is a narcissist or a divaโฆ and no one finds divas or narcissists very appealing!)
Often anxiety comes from a hyper-focus on the self (“how am I doing? what does this person think of me? Did what I just say sound smart or ridiculous?” etc) but the reality is people think youโre charismatic when you pay attention to them fully and with great interest, instead of what most people do- which is just waiting for their turn to speak while worrying about how they look to others. (One tip: You might be interested to read the classic book “How to Win Friends and Influence People” for a little guidance on what to do in social situations and charm whoever you are speaking to!)
Navigating attention gracefully usually means acknowledging it with warmth and humility, then sharing it or passing it on – like a star on stage acknowledging her band and backup dancers, you can acknowledge whoever is giving you the attention/spotlight at a social event, and their positive qualities and contributions to the evening. If it’s a specific person that is showering you with praise and compliments, acknowledge and thank them, then say something kind in return, or how lovely it feels to be appreciated and what a thoughtful person they are to have noticed. The more you show a willingness to share and take attention off yourself, the more people love and respect you. It can help to have a role model, so for example you might look at how a broadway performer handles the raving applause at the end of their incredible showโฆ they smile, they bow, they blow kisses, and then they leave or share the stage with the rest of the cast before they wear our the appreciation, or come across as self-indulgent.
I have often said that a Siren is like waterโฆ and water is ever so graceful in its nature. Yielding, soft, steady, balanced, centered in its unique properties…ย think of a cool, still lake reflecting the beauty of nature. The โselfโ of a Siren is not โself consciousโ and emotionally turbulent โฆ but like water that is calm, clear and still. As a perfectly calm, quiet lake reflects back the beauty of nature, and this ability to reflect is what makes the peaceful lake so beautiful. So too, your calm and peaceful sense of self should reflect in social situations the beauty of the room, the people gathered, the love shared. Graciously handling the spotlight on you is reflecting the spotlight back to those that put it on you. Thanking everyone. Highlighting how lovely the event is. Saying something kind about the host. Playing along with whatever the audience / gathered people would like you to do, and then allowing the spotlight to move to whoever is next, with your full attention and support of themโฆ with a little introduction or compliment or applause from you if appropriate.ย
The more you can put your focus on the actual meaning and value of the event, and less about yourself, the better time you will have, and the more gracious and socially appropriate you will be. When you can put all your attention on celebrating your grandparents 50th wedding anniversary, or your friendโs baby shower, or the charity fundraising dinner for a good cause, there wonโt be room to think about whether anyone thinks you dance funny, or laughed too loud, or wore the wrong dress.
That’s about as much as I can say in a general sense about your question, but it would be wonderful to explore further by connecting one-on-one. In coaching the first thing I would want to do is clarify your exact and specific desired outcome. So for this request, I would ask you things such as,
“What does ‘letting your real personality shine through’ look like? What do you imagine or picture when you say that?”
“Can you give me an example of what ‘navigating attention gracefully’ means to you? Is there anyone you know or look up to that could be a mental role model for this skill?”
“If you had all the charisma and social confidence you hoped for, what would you be doing differently than you are right now?”
What comes up for you, when you consider these questions?
Answers to these types of questions would clarify for both of us what is happening now, versus the goal is in terms of clear and objective specific behaviors, thoughts and feelings – and allows us to judge our progress as you move toward your goal. Social anxiety can involve many factors, such as fear of judgment, difficulty making friends, negative self-talk, embarrassment in social situations, and even physical symptoms such as sweating, shaking, blushing and fleeing the company of others. Because there is a wide range of possible symptoms and intensity, I’d want to make sure to offer only what is helpful and feels appropriate to you, rather than generalizing to all people who suffer from some degree of social anxiety.
Next I would like to know about your current obstacles, and how you perceive the situation. I might ask things like,
“When did you first notice having trouble with social anxiety? What do you think caused this change?”
“Is there something in particular that triggers the anxiety, or are all situations with more than two or three people present a cause of anxiety for you?”
For example, are you more anxious in a group of men vs women? Are you more anxious when it’s a social event vs a work event or a volunteer event?
“What thoughts are going through your mind when you experience this anxiety?”
“Is there anything that makes the anxiety better or worse for you?”
For example, would the anxiety go away if you knew for sure you didn’t have to speak? Or would you feel better if your best friend was standing next to you?
“Are there any exceptions to this anxiety that you can think of – times that you were in a group and felt no panic or self consciousness? If so, what do you think made the difference?”
For example, you might feel no anxiety (or significantly less anxiety) at a family reunion, even though there’s a large number of peopleโฆ or no anxiety in meetings at workโฆ or no anxiety when you’re very well prepared.
Then we might pause for a moment to review your situation – your clearly stated desired outcome, your current obstacles, and the surrounding context and particulars of your unique relationship with anxiety, to make sure I’m getting everything right and you agree with the information I’ve picked up on and reflected back in summary.
After being certain that I understand what’s happening for you, we would discuss how you feel on a number of important measures that are critical to your success in any kind of treatment or personal development work – your desire, commitment, and self-efficacy.
The ‘desire’ measure is your personal determination that changing this issue is very important to you at this time in your life, not just a “would be nice” or “maybe someday” wish or hope. Without desire it would be impossible to muster up the willpower to commit to practicing the new behaviors, doing the daily exercises and building positive habits required for your success. Commitment is simply desire put into practice over a long period of timeโฆ it’s the determination, willpower and personal discipline to stick to your desired goal even when you don’t feel like it, or are unsure of your success. It takes commitment to working out to build muscle, and it takes commitment to coaching and daily practice to build your new social/charisma skills.
Lastly, self-efficacy is the belief in yourself that you do in fact have the power to change any aspect of who you are if you focus on it and put in the work. Self-efficacy means that you understand it’s up to you, and that there are no other obstacles to your success outside of yourselfโฆ that the anxiety is not like a bad gene you simply inherited, or the fault of bad parenting, or anything else you can’t change in the present moment. I would be sure to check with any prospective client about their measure of self-efficacy, to know if excuses and self-limiting beliefs will get in the way of our progress, and if we need to address those issues first.
It isn’t necessary to be completely sure that what you’re doing will workโฆ only to have the belief that it’s worth trying for long enough to make a difference, and see what happens. Personal transformation requires keeping an open mind about who you are and what you are truly capable of!
When you’re sure that changing your relationship to social anxiety and increasing your charisma is very important to you, that you’re committed to doing something about it, and you understand that you have the power to change and nothing else can stand in the way of your growth if you are determined and consistent, then we would explore the various treatment methods you have as options.
There are a wide variety of methods that have been used to treat social anxiety, everything from exploring and understanding how childhood wounds and inaccurate beliefs about the world formed your present-day reaction to social situations, to trance and hypnotherapy techniques, NLP, healing parts dialogue, IFS, role play communications skills building, CBT, mindfulness/meditation, stress management skills, journaling, reading recommended resources, deep breathing and muscle relaxation exercises, group support for safe social interactions (exploring local options such as Toastmasters associations, local theater/drama clubs, musical performance, etc), various forms of gradual exposure therapy, and ongoing support, encouragement and accountability as you progress.
Brainstorming together what method/s feels appropriate to you, and your decision to commit to a strategy for a period of time would be the next step after discussing the many options available. After choosing something to try that both appeals and makes sense to you, we would implement the technique during the session, and conclude with some practical exercises and appropriate next steps for you to use between sessions.
It is important to note how critical it is for your success that the daily steps between sessions are extremely small/simple/doable and that they become the basis for building a new daily habit, as well as your confidence in learning. It is far better to make the homework “too easy” than to skip a day of skill building in the big picture progress of “rewiring” your brain for social success.
Through having a coach as your partner and resource in your personal journey, the likelihood of success is greatly increased by regular accountability, ongoing support, and consistent, specific measurement of your progress toward your stated goal/s. Too often people are excited to change some aspect of themselves or build better habits, but without support, accountability, and clear measurement from an objective, unbiased, outside observer, we can easily fall into the traps of fooling ourselves, inconsistency, confusion, overwhelm, procrastination, shame, blame, lack of motivation, victim-mindset, negative self talk, hopelessness, and giving up.
No doubt there will be many challenges on the path, but itโs important to not give up, and to be honest with your coach about what is and isn’t working for you, so that we can adjust the program as needed. Keep in mind that like an airplane flying toward its destination, no path will be 100% perfectโฆ any meaningful journey is full of course-corrections and minor adjustments as you overcome setbacks and obstaclesโฆ but I encourage you to keep moving ever forward, and invest in working toward your goals. Take baby steps daily in the direction of your desired outcome, and remember that change will always feel uncomfortable, so don’t expect anything you hear or read or think to make it “easy” – (just as nothing you hear or read about personal fitness will give you six-pack-abs without having to do the crunches and cut carbs!) but the right guidance and mindset can help you feel energized, inspired, and determined to practice the skills you need to reach your goal of shining brightly at social events and enjoying the attention you receive with poise and grace – as a Siren should!ย ย
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~Selina (the Siren-Santa ๐)
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The Siren Rules 