Today’s tip might seem a bit tongue-in-cheek, but before jumping to any naughty conclusions, consider the following real world example that every pet owner knows perfectly well:
Do you know exactly how your pup or kitty likes to be petted?
Is it a scratch under the chin? Behind the ears? A rub on the belly? Or is a rub on the belly a decidedly dangerous proposition? Do they want to be coddled and held? Given a pat on the side? A squeeze and a hug? Picked up? Or stroked gently while left in their spot?
Every pet is a little bit different in their preferences, but you as their loving and empathic caregiver have quickly learned exactly what they prefer. You could probably describe, in great detail, to a friend, family member or pet-sitter, just how your pet feels about everything, and what they do and do not like. Whatever their individual quirks, you know exactly how your cat or dog likes to receive their dose of love.
And yet as sure as I am you know the answer, I am just as certain that your cat or dog has never spoken a word of explanation to you, or said anything about their feelings.
You’ve learned everything you need to know about how your pet feels, and what they like and dislike through clear and immediate feedback by body language and action alone. It works perfectly, because cats and dogs are not confused about what they want, what they like and dislike, and they have no qualms about letting you know the moment it happens.
This is a wise lesson to consider when thinking about human relationships, and the failure of words to communicate boundaries or preferences, when in-the-moment actions do not align with later-stated words.
Imagine for example, having a cat that can talk… and this magic cat voraciously gobbles up the canned food you buy at the pet store, but a day later comes into your office to complain. “You know I really didn’t care for that food… it was awful…I would prefer my dinner to be raw tuna. Canned food is simply not acceptable…” the cat would whine. How would you respond if this happened every day? What would you say after a while? “Oh shut up, cat!” You would finally respond exasperated. “You ate it! Leave me alone with your whining!” No matter what the cat said in its complaints, you would have zero motivation to change the diet unless the cat actually stopped eating the food you were already giving him.
The lame boyfriend, the lackluster husband, and the loser date, all act on the exact same principle. Whatever it is that you don’t like, if you accept it – don’t complain. It won’t make them change, it will just frustrate you. Words make as much difference to men as they do between you and your dog (none). Instead, consider what you tolerate.
But back to the title of this blog post, and where we originally started… “beware the man who can’t pet a cat properly”. I’ve always felt that it’s a good idea to introduce any new people in your life to your pet/s as soon as possible. For instance, when a guy arrives to pick you up for a first date, let him into the house for a moment as you grab your coat and purse. Then observe how he treats and responds to your furry friends. This will tell you so much about him.
Obviously, if he tells you he’s allergic to cats and runs away, but you are a passionate shelter volunteer and furry-foster-mom, it’s not going to work. If he’s terrified of dogs, and you have several, you’re pretty much done. But most of all, see if he can make friends with your cat, and pet them properly…
A man with empathy and understanding will quickly gain the trust of an animal – even one as finicky as a cat. But a man who tries to dominate the cat into submission, speaks too loudly even when the cat seems scared, holds your furry companion against her will, or (shudder) strokes her fur backwards with total cluelessness… is a man to stay away from.
How we treat and bond with animals is a sign of our emotional and empathic health. Because animals have no words to tell us how they feel, we have to be attuned to their expressions and body language to understand. For most of us, especially women, this is second nature (we are hardwired for this skill to ensure the survival of our non-verbal human babies) and we expect that everyone can do the same. But, my guess is that at least 10-20% of the population (mostly male) have no clue how to judge body language or have the empathy and compassion to watch communication signals. They are entirely self focused, and care only about meeting their own needs. What isn’t said bluntly and directly with words, doesn’t exist. And often, even if it is expressed bluntly, it will be denied or argued with, rather than lead to discussion, understanding and change in behavior.
So whether you are meeting someone who’s a potential friend, housemate, business partner or future husband… give them the “meet my pets” test right away and beware the man who can’t pet a cat properly. Remember… in the future, you will be that cat.
The Siren Rules 