Soft? “Feminine”? Easy?? Chill??? >> What Quality Men REALLY WANT (…and it’s not what you’ve been told!)

It’s tragic that I get so many messages from women worried that they are not “soft” or “feminine” or “laid back” enough, because they have heard or read some bad, disempowering, and frankly sexist dating advice from some so-called online relationship guru, women’s magazine or YouTube video.

Usually this advice follows the lines of telling women to constantly express their feelings to potential partners (so long as those feelings are about flowers and kittens and pretty table linens, and never about him or the relationship!) to be agreeable, soft-spoken and polite at all times, to focus on the man’s pleasure (whether cooking him dinner, or agreeing to whatever he wants in bed, whenever he wants it) and stuffing down your disappointments (about him and the relationship) and “leaning back” forever and ever for his benefit – in the hopes that he will see how “easygoing” “cool” “chill” and “casual” and “special” you are, and this lack of obvious pressure will somehow inspire him to make the serious, life-long commitment most women are looking for.

So, the theory goes, that if you continually compromise who you are and what you want, betray your true feelings and desires, put on a false front – somehow by going completely against yourself and being a total doormat with no standards, it will eventually get you to where you want to go with a man – winning his love, respect, commitment and adoration.

By that same logic I suppose you could plan to get from Chicago to New York by driving toward Los Angeles, and hope a tornado comes along to transport you back in the right direction…

“Be soft, be feminine, be easy…” This is the sort of thing that makes me nauseous to hear about, because that advice couldn’t possibly be further from the truth of how to create a meaningful, empowering relationship with a quality man. “Be weak” is the translation, and such “advice” preys on a woman’s existing weaknesses, doubts and insecurities, rather working to build up and empower as I have always done. It exploits a woman’s natural tendency to be self-sacrificing, peace-making and forgiving, by creating the false hope that if you simply suffer enough and turn yourself inside out, you’ll eventually wind up happy. It sets up the perfect dynamic for abuse and exploitation, and puts women in serious danger with bad men by removing any form of boundaries or standards.

It is the exact opposite of what Sirens do to get incredible results with great men.

You don’t need to be WEAK FOR HIM. He needs to STEP UP and be STRONG FOR YOU!

Because great masculine men are NOT looking for “easy” – they are looking for WORTH IT. They are looking for a woman that is worth adoring, desiring, and worshiping the ground she walks on. It takes a powerful Siren goddess to hold the reigns of a strong, successful, masculine man – not a puddle of goo dribbling on endlessly about her feelings, laying on the floor for him to step over.

A Siren isn’t trying to be easy. Because nothing – absolutely nothing – worth having is ever “easy”. All good men know this. You know this. Pure logic dictates that the “easier” you are, the lower your perceived value is in any man’s eyes.

Great men are attracted to your strength, not your weakness – they want a badass partner in life, not a helpless ball of mush. What good is mush to anyone? Why would any woman think she needs to talk like a Disney princess from 1935 on a date? “Oh these flowers are so bright and delicate… the ice tea feels so cool going down my throat… the table linen is so soft and comforting… listen to those cheerful birds outside… (the dwarves should be here any minute!)” I mean, are you kidding me? This is the “relationship advice” women are getting these days?

When you speak like that to a man, you will *not* attract him –  you will only convince him that you are insane, and (worse) completely useless. He’ll wonder how you manage to hold down a job or drive a car by yourself. There’s nothing desirable about inappropriately gushing about your feelings and sensations, in utterly unnatural ways, to a stranger you just met.

This “be mushy” advice only plays to women’s fears and keeps them buying more – more books, more magazines, more make-up, more advice on how to be “soft and feminine enough” or “soft and feminine in the right way.” More advice on how to keep him, how not to lose him, how to “get” him, how to “make him” commit, and the like. More advice 100% focused on the man, implying that your life without him has no intrinsic meaning of its own…. Nonsense!

You don’t need a man to desire you in order to be desirable. You are desirable simply because you are a woman and you exist. Nature made you desirable and you don’t have to “do” anything, and there is nothing to “fix” because you aren’t broken. You were born a woman. End of story.

Women who think they need to be more “soft” and “feminine” are often dealing with weak, passive men, or abusive, domineering men, or have a traumatic history of such relationships. Simply by being born a woman, you are already by default as “soft and feminine” as you will ever need to be for a good, healthy, grown-up masculine man. Whatever you wear, whatever you do, however you act, you can’t hide your natural femininity from a masculine man, any more than you can hide blood from a shark.

It’s primal and fundamental. He isn’t going to be confused about whether you are a woman or not. In pants or a skirt, in makeup or bare faced, he can tell that you’re a woman from miles away – and that is enough. You could talk about your feelings or you could talk about rebuilding car engines for fun, it doesn’t make any difference.

You don’t need to change the way you speak to convince a man that you’re a woman… he already knows. Forget forcing yourself to gush feelings all the time because someone selling something said you couldn’t get a guy being exactly as you are. To any lady who is wondering whether she is “feminine” or “soft enough”  – stop following shitty advice you find online that makes you feel bad about yourself.

Don’t be “soft.” Be strong. Be smart. Be sexy. Be yourself.

Much love!

~Selina

If my work resonates with you, and you’d like to know more about one-on-one coaching for your situation, I’d love to hear from you at TheSirenRules@gmail.com. 

Your Boundaries List (an exercise)

Dearest Sirens-In-Bloom,

I am often speaking of the importance of boundaries and standards. But how do you know what your boundaries and standards are?

The answer is different for every woman, based on your own unique goals, background, preferences, and temperament. Are you looking for a husband, or a one night stand? Do you want a man you can trust with your family fortune, or a summer fling you will never forget? Are you a six foot tall dominant amazon type, or would you describe yourself as delicate and emotionally sensitive? Are you “touchy-feely” or “don’t come near me”? Free spirit or detail oriented? Poly or monogamous? How do you define your ideal partner?

There are no right and wrong answers – but you must know the answers for yourself.

It’s up to you to figure out your own standards (as in what you will and won’t tolerate) from a potential partner. Make a list of what is and is not acceptable for yourself when dating new people, and do your best to stick to it. Make a list of what your personal rules are for communication, for touch, for good manners, for keeping promises, for signaling commitment, for relationship status, etc. Anything you can think of that is important to you.

One great way to flesh out this exercise is to make a list of everyone who ever pursued you (whether or not you had a relationship) and make note of everything you liked or didn’t like. From that you can start to define your boundaries and standards more clearly, as well as the consequences you will employ for bad behavior – and rewards for good behavior. Does he earn the thrill of you bragging about what a great boyfriend he is on social media, when he brings flowers home? Does he get a good-night kiss when he takes you out to a fancy dinner? What happens if he does something inappropriate, like ask you about how many men you’ve been with, or sends you a dick-pic when you barely know him? Will you have a three strikes rule, or ban him from your life immediately? Do you discuss why it’s inappropriate, or simply hang up the phone?

It’s very important to be clear and specific about your boundaries and standards and write everything down, learning from past experience. That way, no unpleasant episode is wasted, for you always learn a lesson – and you are well prepared when things come up with new dates or relationships on how to handle the situation, putting your best Siren-foot forward without having to think about what to do, or (worse) suffering with regret over what you didn’t do.

Remember, there’s no second chance to make a first impression. And the most important first impression you make with a man is the moment he crosses a boundary for the first time and how you handle it – that is the signal that sets up the dynamic for the rest of your relationship, and cements you in the “high value” or “low value” category in his mind.

Much love,

~Selina

If this exercise resonates with you and you’d like some one-on-one coaching about your situation, I’d love to hear from you at TheSirenRules@gmail.com.

The Self-Improvement Drug

Self-improvement can be like a drug. A little may be beneficial for curing a specific ailment. But too much becomes its very own disease/disorder.

Today I’d like to take a moment to issue a caution to anyone who may recognize themselves in the description of a ‘self-improvement junkie.’ If you’re obsessively consuming content on how to “better yourself” or succeed with men, you’re actually doing more harm than good.

Too much information, from too many sources, does not help you grow – it only gives you a sense of uneasiness and anxiety, as your brain gets the picture that somehow you are flawed and desperately seeking some solution outside of yourself.

Online that search down the rabbit hole can go on forever, and “the answer” to how to fix yourself will never be found.

I am here to tell you; you are NOT BROKEN.

You may have some bad habits. You may have, in the past, chosen some things that didn’t serve you. You may have patterns that you’d like to change or overcome. You may have dated some jerks… or be involved with a guy who’s no good for you right at this very moment. That’s okay… because life is a process of never-ending growth and evolution. There are no perfect people, and your journey is unfolding exactly as it should, with life naturally presenting the exact lessons you need to learn.

You don’t have to put a negative label on who you are, just because a few things need adjusting.

Having something to learn does not make you inferior or inadequate. You wouldn’t shame a first grader for not knowing algebra… they simply haven’t gotten there yet. But they will, with time and experience. In the same way, you’ll learn everything you need with time and experience (or a whole lot less time if you have the benefit of an experienced coach!) but reading all the Cosmo magazines in the world and all the YouTube relationship advice videos you can find, will not transform you into a Siren any more than reading about swimming will keep you from drowning if you’ve never actually been in the water.

Call off the search. You don’t need to be “fixed”… you don’t need to drive yourself crazy, you don’t need to constantly “work on yourself” and read self-improvement stuff all the time. Take a deep breath, relax, and love yourself more.

And if you’re struggling with even the idea of letting that go because your negative self-talk has taken over like weeds in a garden, reach out… I’ll be happy to help you reconnect with your authentic, empowered, inner self…  the unapologetic, vibrant, authentic, self-affirming core that you were born into the world as, before anyone convinced you that you were something less than a wonder of creation.

Much love!

~Selina

If this mini-lesson resonates and you’d like some one-on-one coaching about your situation, I’d love to hear from you at TheSirenRules@gmail.com. Much love! ❤ ~Selina

No one else can give you self-worth…

No man can give you self-worth, but you can always give it to yourself.

It comes from respecting yourself enough to stick to your standards and put yourself first.

You’re valuable when you value yourself.

If this mini-lesson resonates and you’d like some one-on-one coaching about your situation, I’d love to hear from you at TheSirenRules@gmail.com. Much love! ❤ ~Selina

Siren Rule #49 – Never give a man “safety” (it’s the fastest way to kill his passion and desire!)

 

Siren Rule #49

Never give a man “safety” – it’s a sure way to ruin his passion and desire! 

A Siren is NOT trying to create a feeling of “safety” for a man.

She has NO interest in being the ever-sympathetic, understanding, agreeable, “emotional safe space” or or any such similar nonsense to him. She will NEVER be a “sure thing” just waiting around for any man she isn’t married to. She’s not out to prove her loyalty – that is HIS job… she is only ever showing her value (to everyone that crosses her path) and expressing her standards. He can take it or leave it, but she won’t be chasing, or trying to convince him what a great, “eternally-waiting” gal she is, or how perfect they would be together. It’s HIS job to convince her!

She is the lighthouse on the rocks. He is the sailor in the tall ship. She does NOT move. She shines her light and sings her song… but she does. not. move. toward him. It is HE that must choose to crash into her shore if he wants to be with her – it is always the man that must make the sacrifices on her behalf, and give up sailing the endless sea. 

The reason a Siren never gives “safety” to a man, is because the very concept of safety and security and certainty, are ideas that are nauseating to grown, masculine men – they are the coddling energy of mothers who want to protect little baby boys – not the energy of desirable “prize” women he wants in his bed as an adult.

Safety and “unconditional love” is the very energy he rejected in growing up into his manhood…. to push that energy back onto him as a grown man is demeaning, emasculating and inappropriate. A man DOES NOT want unconditional love… he wants to earn it! He wants to prove himself to you, to be tested and challenged. He wants the satisfaction of WINNING the prize, not being given the trophy simply by showing up. He wants very much to COMPETE, and succeed through his own effort, skill and determination. He doesn’t want to be safe… he wants to live to the fullest!

Women have a very difficult time deeply understanding this concept, because it’s the exact opposite to how most women feel…. after all, most women would love to have a sure thing, a stable secure committed relationship and emotional safety with unconditional acceptance and sympathy from their partner. That is a woman’s dream. But of course it makes perfect sense that masculine men and feminine women would want exact opposite things, doesn’t it? We are made to be opposites, in order to balance one another. But unless you want to attract a woman, or an extremely feminine/soft/weak man, “safety” will not be appealing. 

After all, what is the greatest male fantasy? Is it a secure, safe, routine office job for 40 years followed by a quiet retirement? No – it’s to be James Bond! Jumping from planes, and crashing cars, blowing stuff up, and chasing gorgeous women. Can you imagine any woman having a fantasy like that? Do you know any women who think regularly crashing cars and being shot at, with a different stranger in your bed each night sounds like a great idea? Of course not… it just goes to show how we are wired VERY differently, and we need to respect those differences in order to be successful in catching our ideal mate.

If you want to catch a strong, resourceful, successful, capable masculine man, you have to give him what HE wants, not what a woman would want in his shoes. Sirens understand this perfectly… and so they give a man what he truly desires… not some gushing emotional security blanket in a skirt – but the adventure, the passion, the unpredictability, the mystery, and the challenge that makes him feel alive… and turns on his desire and natural hunting instincts. Sirens know how to push buttons that make him want to possess a woman as his very own… rather than driving him away with boring, lifeless, clingy, “safe” domesticity, and emotional over-sharing.

There is never a sense of “safety” in being with a Siren… which is precisely what drives men wild! She’s unknown… she’s deep waters… she’s dangerous… she could break your heart or rock your world… men can’t get enough of a woman who is anything but dull. A Siren focuses on creating challenge and excitement, passion and adventure… where he is never “safe”, but flying on the edge of his seat and having the time of his life.

Remember this key Siren rule, and know masculine men don’t want safety – and they don’t want smothering, mothering, ‘unconditional love’ energy from a woman. They want a prize who knows what she’s worth, and to beat out the competition in winning her… even if they aren’t going to admit it (for obvious reasons) this is a primal masculine drive for any man worth having.

XO,

~Selina

PS. If the Siren philosophy resonates with you and you’d like some one-on-one coaching about your situation, I’d love to hear from you at TheSirenRules@gmail.com

 

Self-Esteem Booster (an exercise)

1. Grab a nice cup of tea or your favorite snack, and a treasured journal.

2. Sit down and begin to make a list of things that are great about you, that you love about yourself, things that anyone who knew you well, would be lucky to enjoy. Title it something fun like “Awesome about Me!” or “(your name) is a PRIZE because….”

3. Throughout the day, carry the journal around and brainstorm more positive ideas about yourself, no matter how “small”, until you get to 100 unique things minimum.

4. Refer back to the list whenever you feel deflated.

5. Repeat writing a new and updated list as often as necessary, until you are so sure in what your positive traits and qualities are, and how much you love and value yourself, that you could easily rattle off a dozen items on the list without pausing to think about it.

(When you have multiple long lists going of all your positive qualities, it will be basically impossible for the monkey-mind to convince you that you’re not really “good enough” for something you want, or for a guy to manipulate you through insecurity.)

6. Enjoy your self-esteem super-power!

XO,

~Selina

If this exercise resonates with you and you’d like some one-on-one coaching about your situation, I’d love to hear from you at TheSirenRules@gmail.com.

STUCK inside the bottle? The Value of Personal Coaching

One thing I often say about life & relationship coaching in describing the value of the process is, “You can’t read the label, when you’re inside the bottle.”

Those of you who’ve experienced the benefit of a personal trainer or an athletics coach while participating in sports, will understand that often the difference between you doing just “okay” at a something, and really performing at your best, is a tiny adjustment based on something your coach or trainer could see, but you were not aware of. You don’t have to completely reinvent yourself in order to be empowered in your life and your relationships, but you do have to know exactly what needs adjustment, so that you’re not wasting time going in circles.

Because we are naturally blind to how we operate from an outside, objective perspective – whether that’s in a sports technique or in the various habits, thought-patterns, perceptions and life-strategies we employ in our goals and relationships – a coach can be invaluable in reflecting back things that you might not even be aware of doing that sabotage and handicap your success and happiness.

That’s where coaching, with objective, insightful, reflections and assessments offers so much value in your personal growth journey – first the outside perspective that helps you see what’s really happening in your situation, and second in giving you powerful new tools, techniques, and perspective to course-correct toward your life and relationship goals the Siren way.

Many of my clients are stunned when they look back at their notes from the start of working with me in the Siren principles, at just how far they’ve come and how much their life has drastically improved, with seemingly simple, effortless shifts that had a huge impact over time. Some of my favorite transformative and powerful techniques to get clients unstuck include;

>>guidance on asking better questions,

>>examining your core story,

>>clarifying personal values,

>>identifying the six most important traits of your ideal partner,

>>creating a personal mantra,

>>learning to switch from ‘doing & chasing’ (masculine) mode to ‘judging & receiving’ (feminine) mode in relationship,

>>communication techniques that work,

>>resonating with your desired outcome,

>>examining & removing hidden resistance,

>>reprograming limiting beliefs,

and so much more.

Though I have written hundreds of blog articles sharing some of my best tips and techniques for free here at TheSirenRules, there really is no substitute to the personal work that goes deep into your particular goals and unique obstacles in one-on-one live sessions, where you can ask me any question and get extremely detailed and specific guidance for whatever you’re facing.

If you’re curious to experience the perspective that one-on-one coaching can bring to your life challenges, you can reach me at TheSirenRules@gmail.com to start a conversation and receive a link to my private online calendar for a complimentary first consultation.

As always, I wish you much love and empowerment… the Siren way!

XO,

~Selina

Sirens Don’t Manipulate

Sirens don’t manipulate.

This sounds confusing to some casual readers, because their paradigm is that being unavailable is “playing hard to get” or withdrawing attention/disengaging is “punishing” bad behavior – and playing hard to get and punishing are indeed forms of manipulation.

But the key is that manipulative behavior has the specific intent to change the actions, feelings, or perceptions of the other person. A Siren doesn’t care what the man in question does, feels or perceives about her… she acts from her core, her true nature, not from a desire to change anyone else.

She isn’t “playing hard to get” by being unavailable – she’s unavailable because she’s genuinely busy with a full life, or less interested in him than other activities. There’s no game. There’s no desire to make him chase. She’s not pretending to be high status and wanted at all the parties – she is!

Likewise, there’s no manipulation in withdrawing her attention, because she couldn’t care less if he learns his lesson or doesn’t. She isn’t walking away secretly hoping that the dumb guy will come crawling back … she’s walking away because she has no time for dumb guys. She’s genuinely not interested in anyone who doesn’t meet her standards.

It would make no sense to say you’re “punishing” a hot stove burner by denying it the touch of your hand… because you’re simply (and very rationally) not interested in being burned. The focus is entirely on you. That is the same level of feeling a Siren has towards useless and dysfunctional men (none). She doesn’t waste her priceless emotional energy. She isn’t punishing or manipulating low value men in her avoidance – she couldn’t care less about their choices – but rational self-preservation is always in effect. She wouldn’t ever expose herself to undue mental, emotional or sexual harm for no reason.

Ultimately the Siren knows that life is short, and love is precious…. since you can only have one partner to walk off into the sunset with, what’s the point of wasting time with those who don’t measure up?

Much love! 

~Selina

If my work resonates with you, and you’d like to know more about one-on-one coaching for your unique situation, I’d love to hear from you at TheSirenRules@gmail.com. 

Men Are Simple & You’re In Charge

Men are simple.

They understand green light, red light.

Being with a woman is like driving to them. Red light? Green light? He’s waiting for simple signals.

Guys looking to hook up with a woman (dating) don’t understand pages of words and roller coasters of emotion, any more than your dog understands Shakespeare.

What they ‘get’ is “stop” and “go”.

A cube of cheese = good dog. It’s that simple. Give him sex, give him touch, give him compliments – they’re all just little cubes of cheese. Green lights all the way.

What’s amazing is that even a dog has to do tricks and behave to get a little cube of cheese. But women will give themselves to a man for absolutely nothing… how can we have lower standards for a grown man, than for a pup?

Everywhere in the real world, good things and rewards must be earned.  Whining, begging and sweet talk is not enough – you must examine his actions. No man should ever be given access to your body until he has met every condition you have for the relationship you want. After all, it’s your health and safety and reputation at risk – not his.

You set the signals. You hold the leash. You’re in charge… always.

If this mini-lesson resonates and you’d like some one-on-one coaching about your situation, I’d love to hear from you at TheSirenRules@gmail.com. Much love! ❤ ~Selina